12:40 PM
Pulp cap 19 Concluded
Our picture is from THRILLING WONDER STORIES, AUGUST 38.
Picture:
Captions
David Fox - "Put aside your cuirasses made from mithril mined from the deepest caverns and thrice forged into nigh-impenetrability, your helms of strange alien metal from the fallen meteor that have withstood scratch and tarnish through centuries of battle and duel of honor, and your blades of the strongest steel sharpened to so fine an edge that even gnats flee in terror," cried Biff the Interplanetary Guardian, "for I have a string on a stick !"
Paul Wegner - "McGyver saves the day again with nothing more than a metal clothes hanger, a stick, some brylcream and a fabulous shirt by Zwihar, the clothier to the stars of Planet Sorta-greek looking guys."
Dave Townsend - "Staging Jurassic Park in Roman times was difficult, because there was no place for the puppeteers to hide."
Charles Vasey - "I thought you said Wizard!"
Mike Reed - "We find our hero, a young and flaxen-maned Bill C. flanked by his two able-bodied man-servants, as he brazenly takes on the fearsome GEICO lizard, armed only with a coat hanger and a stick..."
Karen Spurny - "Tune in on Thursday nights for the most thrilling programme you've ever seen: Crocodile Hunter- The Interplanetary Edition."
Jason Schmidt - "The ferocious lizard-beasts of Omicron VI were notoriously difficult to catch unless the hunter knew their one weakness; an uncontrollable attraction to anything in a skirt."
"Shit like this never seemed to make it into Julius Caesar's writings."**** THIRD PLACE ****
"Blades vs. Beast in Rough Going nets you a +1 on your roll." (At least I know Walt will get that one if nobody else.)
Peter Card - "I'll lassoo the Rrsslykr while he's distracted by the sight of your bare behind", gritted Gordon. In that instant, a legend was born. **** FIRST PLACE ****
Peter Bartlett - Marlon Perkins: "This dragon is one of the most dangerous animals in the world. So I'm sending Jim in to put the first rope on."
DirkHeinz - 1) Ole'
2) "...first I get him to jump through this thin hoola hoop"
3) Bill suddenly remembered that the garrot only worked when he was behind his intended target
4) Now he could show the leash law romans who the real beast master was.
Dennis Largesse - "It can be SO tiresome," thought Jeeves, "when
Master Bertie tries to be creative."
"Well, Mr. Poe, who gets the final laugh?" asked Mr. Lovecraft.**** SECOND PLACE ****
"Jeeves always regretted whenever Master Bertie spent time at the Drones Club."
Next Week's Caption:
Imaginative Tales, August 1954
12:23 PM
CAPTION CONTEST 18
A very steamy cover from ADVENTURE magazine, December 1961 issue generates some of the best PulpCap this editor has seen yet.
The Entries:
Dave Fox - "And the verdict was: Death by Snoo Snoo !"
"In some cultures, lacking a gall bladder is considered a sign of great virility."
Charles Vasey - "Looks like Dave picked the wrong pussies, chuckled the captain."
Pat Osika - The missing Gilligan's Island episode.
Paul Wegner - "Hmm. Getting torn apart by panthers or living with one hundred wives. Can I have a minute to decide?" **** FIRST PLACE!! ****
Jason Schmidt - "Welcome to the real Fantasy Island!"
"For obvious reasons cameras aren't allowed in every part of the Playboy mansion's Grotto."
"In a shocking twist the MILF Hunter suddenly found the tables turned! The hunter was now the hunted."
Peter Stein - "So what is the truth about oversexed women?"
(also Stein) The Yank who Became an Island God
Not another article turning Derek Jeter into a Superman!
T. Johnston - "Hey Mr. Nizz, didn't I tell ya Axe body wash gets ya more women than panther piss."
Robin Grillet - "Even as he was dragged off to his doom, all Biff could do was wonder what had happened to the amazons' nipples."
Dave Townsend - "Punishments on Amazon Isle included sacrifice to their heathen gods, being torn to shreds by wild animals, and the dread titty twister." **** THIRD PLACE!! ****
Kasey Curtiss - "Morrie & Tom discovered the tropical island natives weren't so friendly to tourists after the cruise ship left port."
Gary Christiansen - "Yet another case of feminists being tortured mercilessly by oppressive patriach archtypes."
Karen Spurny - "Jim knew that the dastardly Strategically Placed Necklaces (pat pend.) seller deserved his horrible death." **** SECOND PLACE!! ****
Peter Card - "Jason's nipple ring proved to be his undoing."
James Spurny - "Although reluctant at first, the Captain decided Mormonism wasn't such a bad choice after all. Such are the perils found sailing on the Great Salt Lake."
Mike Reed - "Dear Penthouse Forum....you ain't gonna believe this, but..."
"Gary and Lawrence offended the ladies of Consimworld one too many times..."
Next Week's Caption:
From Thrilling Wonder Stories, August 1941
2:40 PM
Low Turnout
Due to me posting one of those insipid webquizzes back to back with this picture from Detectives:
Charles Vasey - "(mister nizz) was horrified to find KW had tunnelled into the bedroom" *** FIRST PLACE ***
David Fox - "Dang, this JR Tracy guy either needs to live in a less-haunted house or put in smaller orders to Amazon, cuz this route is killing me." *** THIRD PLACE ***
Bill Ramsay - "All Lou had to do was get the trunk full of porridge on top of the trap door, and he'd finally be safe from the Kosovans."
Mike Reed - "No matter how hard the Sysop tried to suppress it, that 'GMT thing' just kept digging its way out..."
Peter Card - "Seth wondered if Wakawakka Indiana was ready for the capsule hotel concept.." *** SECOND PLACE ***
Next Week:
I'll make up for that lackluster result with a humbdinger of a pulp cover from Adventure, published in 1961:
12:02 PM
And the Entries
Gary Christiansen - "Damn, my finger is caught in the knot again."
David Fox - "Well waddaya know, she really does have blonde roots after all."
Brian Youse - "John nearly strangled her with a large pearl necklace." *** FIRST PLACE ***
Paul Wegner - "Then they made the mistake of looking down and were instantly mesmerized by Delores' hypno-breasts."
Bill Ramsay - "Was that supposed to be three AAA batteries or three AA batteries?"
Karen Spurny - "Geez. Who knew a hickey could be so fatal?"
Matt Foster - "This was MUCH easier, Lew reflected. He would take back the pearls and just keep using the Quaalude."
Mike Reed - "'Conditioning' time was over. Now was the time to be MARRIED, and she would be his WIFE."
Todd Goff - cue ZZ Top: "She wants a pearl necklace."
Peter Stein - "Maybe if I pretend to be asleep, he'll get the hint and go away."
Robin Griller - "Shit, she's got lice. How do I sleep with her, without catching them?"
"But....but....but...," Jason spluttered, "you told me you were pre-op!"
James Spurny - "Kris and Mary Beth: A nutjob's wet dream."
Jason Schmidt - "Eight thousand dollars for a RealDoll later Ted found he still felt empty and soulless inside. The sharp sensation of steel biting through latex was now his only possible release." *** SECOND PLACE ***
"Lou pulled the necklace even tighter, cutting off the blood flow completely as the fake pearls cut deep into her alabaster skin. 'Now if you wanna breathe again I recommend you post to the Iraq Aftermath Folder right the fuck now, understand?'"
Peter Card - Her icy indifference thrilled Pepe to the core, coloured with foreboding. Was she truly dead, yet still warm to the touch, or merely American. *** THIRD PLACE ***
T. Johnston - Wilma's last thought. "Clark is such a dyslexic dork, I ask him to choke me then give me a pearl necklace."
Next week's Caption:
9:50 AM
Pulp Captions 15 Results
An Extremely Quirky cover from PHANTOM DETECTIVE (June 42 issue) provided fodder for the current Caption Contest.
Note: I realize (now) I didn't post this on the tail end of Round 14's contest. Sorry!
Dave Fox - Claudia had only a split-second to react. "If I dash out of the room right now, nobody will know that it was me who farted !"
Peter Stein - Trevor had forgotten what happened if you got downwind when Claudia was wearing Shania Twain's perfume. *** FIRST PRIZE ***
Gary Christiansen - "Real good guys wear bow-ties, see, the man here is obviously a villain."
"While entertaining thoughts of wearing a mask and bow-tie during such events, Jack Kevorkian makes an early effort at assisted suicide by scaring his patient/victim into self asphyxiation."
Todd Goff - To bashful to chase the girl and to frightened to face the stranger with the gun, Emile brings new meaning to the phrase "choke the chicken".
Peter Card - Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Man? The shade of Dr Christian Barnard! Justice is just a heartbeat away.
Paul Wegner - "AAGH! GACK! The dreaded bukakke gun!" *** THIRD PRIZE ***
Jason Schmidt - "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
Karen Spurny - Zorro was a master of disguises, but that Playtex living bra was just too much. *** SECOND PRIZE ***
Next Week:
11:48 AM
CAPTION CONTEST 14
Good old ARGOSY! 7 July 34 issue yielded this nugget...
David Fox - "Rodger MacGowan tries out the models for the EMPIRE OF THE SUN boxcover. Sadly, for most of them it was a one-shot gig." *** THIRD PLACE ***
Jason Schmidt - "Only 1 billion, 389 million, 272 thousand, seven hundred and thirteen to go!" *** FIRST PLACE ***
"Crack PETA agent Nick Humane enacts bloody vengeance for tainted Chinese gluten in America's dog food supply."
Bill Ramsay - "Teaches you for bringing a knife to a gun fight"
Gary Christiansen - "Bill Ramsay does his impression of Indiana Jones."
"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? *BLAM!* Oops. I guess you're not lucky punk."
"You'd think these Monks would tell us what they were mad about before they attack gun wielding westerners with swords."
Mike Reed - "NEXT!" *** SECOND PLACE ***
Taylor just kept blasting away...He remembered the old saying, 'With 6, you get Eggroll'...and he hadn't eaten for a week.
Karen Spurny - "For the last time, I don't want your Amway products!"
Peter Card - "Daisy reloaded while Jimmy plugged away at the black-robed horde. He had never felt more alive, and with each shot a hot surge of triumph coursed through him. Without turning he sang out to his soulmate "Tell me why! Tell me why! I hate monks Daise"
8:44 PM
Éric Grenier - "Edgar hated his job so very much."
"So I asked myself, 'How could this day get any worse?' And then it hit me. A goose in the face."
"Sure, he was my brother-in-law. But he didn't have to be such a dick."
"Hurry, McDonald's is only serving breakfast for three more minutes!" *** FIRST PLACE ***
"If only I had listen to my father's advice. From that day forward, I vowed to never trust a man in a tuxedo with a gun."
"He injected the truth serum and I knew I'd be sunk. He'd find out that I did know a quicker route after all."
"Sir, I just came from _____'s home. I implore you to drive more slowly, as my bum cannot take any more punishment."
Jason Schmidt - "Virginia's new traffic fine laws became more Draconian by the day."
Mike Reed - "Steadman hated moonlighting, but the police force just didn't pay enough..."
Dirk Heinz - "Robin thinks "riding along with Batman was bad enough, driving for the damn Penguin is hell."
Randall Favero - "Lester's plan to hijack the taxi and force the driver to take him to Cuba was destined to go horribly wrong."
T. Johnston - DAMN, the last time a fare put a gun to my neck, it was Tom Cruise!!! (sigh) *** SECOND PLACE ***
Peter Card - "When Squiffy called "Shotgun" he didn't mess around"
Otto Schmidt - "The New York Taxi and Limousine Commission inaugurates its new "get tough with rogue Cabbies" program."
"Mohatmabrimnarajistanjapunda gasped out as he pleaded with the crazed passenger "But Sirs you are not being particularly specifying which of the many and varied and multitudinous cars that are upon the street and whizzing to and fro that you are wishing me to be of following!!!!!"
"And none of this crap of going from the Battery by way of the Throgs Neck Bridge to get to Bronx!" *** THIRD PLACE ***
"Zebulon had figured out a way to avoid the carping from cabbies by his "no-tipping" policy."
"Taggerts Driving Acadamy found out shortly thereafter that its negative reinforcement learning motivational plan did not work."
"Listen, if my back-seat passengering is bothering you, you can do it for a while if you think you can do better!"
"OK, I've had it! I told you kids that if you didn't stop I was turning this car right around and going home! And now I'm going to make the driver do just that!"
Gary Christiansen - I know everyone else thinks the Butler did it, but they were wrong! The chauffeur did it and he's not going to live to see trial!
David Fox - "I knew that I should never have offered Senator Cuccinelli a ride," Mister Nizz thought to himself, as he silently lifted aside the phony top of the shifter and prepared to hit the Passenger Ejection Seat button...
Karen Spurny - "If you tell me that the secret password is "two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions, pickles on a sesame seed bun" one more time, I'll shoot, so help me."
Next Week's Caption:
11:10 AM
Pulp Captions Round 12
This week's PULP CAPTION comes from ARGOSY, August of 1948!
David Fox - "For Lance, a quick tap was always enough to dislodge that last drop of water in the ear. But he is still stuck with that nettlesome question that all men of today must answer-- how do I get that last crab to let go of my nuts ?"
Mike Reed - "At last, young Eric found his dream job (one that didn't require work)...a stand-in for Troy Donahue.."
"What Eric hated about being on the 'receiving end' of bukkake was that 'it' was always getting in his ears..." **** FIRST PLACE ****
"As Lars exited the water and was clearing his ears, he couldn't help but wonder...who _WAS_ that mysterious American who had stolen away his beautiful Norweigan nymph? What did a _librarian_ have that he didn't? Was it true of what they said, "Once you go 'black helicopter', you never go back"???"
Karen Spurny - "Rejoicing in kicking sand in the face of a beach weenie, Chuck didn't realise that in ten years Charles Atlas was going to own him."
Peter Card - "Several blows to the head dislodged the last few drops of liberal news agenda from Brad's cerebral cortex. With relief he felt his hatred for freedom subside to a low throbbing moral relativism and a sneaking regard for KD Lang's lyrics."
Paul Wegner - No matter how hard Rex hit himself in the head, he still could not get the image of Brian Y in a thong out of his mind. **** THIRD PLACE ****
Ian Wedge A smile, a flick of the hair and a rub of the towel, and all evidence of low flying seagulls was gone.
Matt Foster - “Look, Ron,” Lance said tiredly, “This ‘dsdsdsdsdsdsThe Men of Tomorrow will piss one each other’s heads’ cult just won’t fly. Why don’t you try starting a fake religion instead?”
Dirk Heinz - "Must remember to put Supports A Ruhr - Silesia in my next move" **** SECOND PLACE ****
T. Johnston - This is the last photo of Guy Lesnevich, taken an instant before he exploded his own skull while demonstating a powerful open palm fighting technique. Guy, who called himself "The Man From Tomorrow", was a martial arts champ, golf pro and spy. His funeral will be closed casket.
Otto Schmidt - Wow,! I coulda' had a V-8"
"Uhh..Duhh... This works when I have water in my ear, maybe it'll work for the bullet too!"
"I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shorts,
Too sexy for my Shirt
Too Sexy....
Too Sexy.....
Too Sexy...."
"Lemuel Lunkitt had spent a fortune on his makeover from West Virginia hillbilly to Surfer Dude, but the goal of it all still did nowithout telling him, the owners of his favorite nude beach had sold it to the Southern Baptists."
"Kyle was in a good mood. It was going well! She had said "Can't we just be friends" and "I'll call you sometime......"
Joe Steadman - “I won't do it Kahn (pronounced KAAAAAAAAAAAAAHNNNNNNN)!!!!” **** MITFTi Prize ****
“That was too bad of a landing… now, where did I leave that time-machine?” **** MITFTi Prize ****
Walt thought… “Thank goodness I’m not Tenctonese. … stupid Slags”…**** MITFTi Prize ****
Gary Christiansen - "Damn Babelfish always pops out when you least expect it." **** MITFTi Prize ****
Next Week's (Round 13) Caption comes from DETECTIVE FICTION WEEKLY (Sept 21, 1929)
4:08 PM
PulpCap Round 11
Round 11's Pulp Caption comes from the cover of Detective Fiction, May of 1940 issue!
Jason Schmidt - "Another Ty Bomba alt-hist number, I see."
"The Union of the Snake is on the criiii-iiimb."
"Trouble at the Bohemian Grove."
"Bread hamming cheese joke only funny one time, mothafucka!"
"Though he already understood the foolishness of bringing a knife to a gunfight, Tony was only now learning not to bring a snake to a knife fight."
"Haryuki decides he's not going to let even one more bukkake joke go unanswered." **** tie THIRD PLACE!! ****
"The real reason James Iha was kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins."
Mike Reed - "Lawrence's penchant for posting pics that weren't his on Boardgamegeek finally came to blows over a Firefight game...."
"Black & White counters??? Black & White counters??? What's next, printing the Japanese in yellow????!!!"
New on HBO... "Swearingen & Wu...the War Years"
"I don't care if you have the new Comcast Digital phone...you snake now!!!"
"Walt's first attempt to run a Colonial Diplomacy game backfired terribly..."
Gary Christiansen - "How Not To Book: Adolf Hisssssster and the use of Saps."
"Okay Chertoff, set the alert level to yellow and nobody gets hurt."
"Look Chuckles, I've got the curvy dagger. Put your rattle down now and we'll get help for you and your imaginary snake friends."
"Walt: Diplomacy is not for the faint of heart, I sent email by gawd!... Joe: I keep telling you Walt, the dagger goes in the back in Diplomacy, not the front."
"Silly old man, you're the blood sacrifice tonight." **** tie SECOND PLACE!! ****
"Snakes, why is it always about snakes!"
"You can't do this bit without a plane you moron!"
"No no no... not cobras.... Asps! Very Dangerous. You go first."
Ian Wedge - "Green Terror? Everyone know this Yellow Peril week. Now you die, round eyes!"
Ian Schofield - "Get the spider off me! Get the spider off me!"
Paul Wegner - "The Union of the Snake is on the Rise?!? Now you die Duran Duran wannabe!"
"Do I have to cut you to get it through your thick skull that ASLSK is not a gateway to ASL?" (Advanced Squad Leader, Advanced Squad leader's Starter Kit)
"You try to define what is and what isn't a CDG again and I'll have to cut ya" (CDG="Card Driven Game")
"You complain food not ready? I tol you five ten minute when you call. Only been 7 minute muthafaka!"
"FRIED RICE you flucking plick!"
Dave Townsend - "George Takei made it clear to Roddenberry that he wasn't going to work with Shatner any more."
Peter Card - Not so big now are you, you white bread country club big nose dillitante facist, coming round my laundry with your inbred donkey felating golf buddies and disrespecting my workers. They work hard, they wash your disgusting undergarments and what do they get? You! You and your retarded chums, bringing clubs to a knife fight. I ..
Excuse me pal, but is this going to take all night? I've got other slant eye establishments to disrepect you know.
Hey! You excuse ~me~ Mr Greenshirt. Mr. Nizz goes for length over quality. I gotta string this out. **** tie SECOND PLACE!! ****
T. Johnston - "As Heinrich franticly fought the Chinaman, he regretted that his self defense class never got beyond defending against fresh fruit."
Pat Osika - "I tell you last time! No tickee, no shirtee!"
Joe Steadman - Sulu thought "Screw the Prime Directive, I'm not dying on this alternative, back in the past, thanks-to-Kirk Earth!" **** tie THIRD PLACE!! ****
"What they were fighting about.... who got to guard the holy sword... the Knights of Cobra or the traditional local take-out cooks... "
Karen Spurny - "You totally disrespect Cobra Kai Dojo. No more wax on wax off. No more side side. It's "NO MERCY!" Try to remember that!"
The Park Avenue Hunt Club's selection committee had really let its standards decline in recent years.
Peter Stein - (Remote 80's TV reference ahead!) It wasn't murder, Quincy, but this is!!!
Otto Schmidt - "The Lights HAVE gone out all over Europe!!-- and now that the intra-murals are done in the World Dominantion game it's on to the Varsity Team! First up "The Nazi Plague Vs the Yellow Peril!
"NAZIDOGUUDAII!!!"
"HA! Foorish Fascist pig! Eveeeyone know knife beat tluncheon! You shourd have picked Stone!"
"Moe Teitelbaum saw the looming spirit of futility rear up before his eyes as he realized all those years of masquerading as a pure Aryan were for naught. "And all this because I didn't have my tickee to get my
shirtee!" he thought."
"Bruno Bucholtz and Sum-Dum-Gai would look back on this moment in later years and laugh at the arguments they had when they first opened their Chinese-German fusion culture restaurant. The location was good, the
ambiance superb, and the food great. The only complaints they ever heard about the food was that an hour later you were hungry for power." **** FIRST PLACE!! ****
"Won-Fat-Chink Screamed...You Bastald!!! I always wanted to be the guy that beat the drum that went boom boom that played in the German Band..."
"Wang Chung bellowed at his father Horst Schlitzkopf "Adopted! Adopted!! what you mean I was adopted!"
Eva Bellambi - “Listen to me, you worthless snake-wearing old man! I don’t care what that idiot, Inspector Clouseau, told you. I am NOT making you another cup of tea until you hand over the opium you are carrying God-knows-where. I laugh at that puny little club of yours.”
Next Week's Pulp Cap (Round 13)
11:31 AM
PulpCap 10 Results
Last week's Pulp Caption Cover was from ARGOSY Magazine, 09 December 1939!
The Entries:
Gary Christiansen - "Mark Pitcavage goes after Brian Youse on learning MMP publishes titles other than ASL."
"Really Betty, it's in the Spirit of the Rules!"
"Mike Reed towered gloweringly over Gary while he was playing a Bulge title at Origins."
"It's all smoke and mirrors anyway. Something to do with the chalice from the palace having the pellet with the poison... no no no, the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle .. no wait.. um. nevermind. The flagon with the dragon has the brew that is true?"
Bill Ramsay - "Uncle Fester planned on showing them where his name came from, but he wasn't fast enough"
David Fox - "Loooocy, did you wreck the car ?
No, dear.
Loooocy, did you dance around the Druid's tree and wake the dead ?
Yes, dear.
But the car's okay ?" **** THIRD PLACE ****
Mike Reed - "Try as he may, Chip could never get away from the floating disembodied head of Uncle Charley..."
"Even on vacation, Mark Herman was constantly pestered with questions about 'Empire of the Sun'..."
"Everyone hates a rules lawyer...even the ghost of Charles Roberts"
"Rob had warned Dee not to cry out 'Kote-knee' while in the throes of ecstasy, but did she listen? Noooooooo...."
J. R. Tracy - "No, wait, really, this isn't like all those other time-share offers!"
Peter Stein - "No matter what the young Euro gamers did, the sinister members of the wargaming hobby were never far away."
Jason Schmidt - "George gripped Laura tightly as the specter of future failures towered over them. The newlyweds knew there was only one safe place to run; frantically they made their way toward the Oval Office and the protection from responsibility that only it's walls could provide."
"Clarice was horrified to learn that cannibalism, though glamorous and titillating, carried with it the threat of The Flatulence of the Damned."
Rob Seulowitz - “As Robert Tilton attempts to shield her, an enraged Walter Mercado snatches back his toupee from a fleeing Tammy Faye Bakker.”
Peter Card - "You cannot curl that which does not dye!!" cackled the Purple Hair Ghoul
Karen Spurny - "You know, Caroline, reading this cover makes me realise that the author is an idiot. Of course they are the dead that cannot die. They're already dead. Wouldn't it have made more sense to say, 'The dead who could not rest', or something? Aaaargh! A giant head!"
"You're a regular Sherlock Holmes, aren't you?" **** FIRST PLACE ****
Ian Wedge - "Pat was secretly quite pleased with the nickname the other gaming Druids had given him. A real ice-breaker at parties, being called 'Disaster'."
Otto Schmidt - "While Vance dreamed of nibbling on Edwitha's Honeydews, she dreamed of
feasting on his chitlin's- Vance had forgotten that old saying-- "Demons
are a ghouls best friend."
I pay for a nose job, boob job, hair enhancement, tummy tuck, face-lift,liposuction, fix the lazy eye, flatulence, and limp and a $4,000 Hollywood make-over to boot and she dumps me for the President of the Young Republicans!!!!
“Don’t worry Mr. Druid I’ll use a Condom!!!!!!!” The Hell YOU will!” Listen you Son-of-a-bitch– you lay one hand on my daughter and you’ll be dancing around that tree alright! You’ll be dancing from the end of a
F*****G rope!”
“Quasimodo knew that this day would come, – he had known all along he he was only a “starter hunchback” **** SECOND PLACE ****
“Try to understand dad, I know you and Mom are Druids and you’ve really given me a lot of great memories– animal sacrifices-- the seasonal solstace orgies– the blood rites– but Jeff’s Anglican and his people just wouldn’t understand– and besides– I’ve moved on Dad, I’ve changed– that’s not ME anymore. And I don’t know how to tell you this Dad-- try not to be angry-- but – I’m a virgin again!”
“Little does Kyle know that beneath that beautiful demure exterior, that clean-scrubbed, prom queen countenance, is the soul of her father– Yes– He was marrying BRIDEZILLA!”
“So Tess,– when are you going to show me this family tree you are always bragging about!”
PULP CAPTION 11, from the cover of Detective Fiction Weekly, May of 1940!
1:12 PM
PULP CAPTIONS, ROUND 9
Round 9's Pulp Caption Contest hails from the cover of ARGOSY MAGAZINE, Published 22 June, 1940!
James Spurny - "What manner of man is Giacomo? Ha ha! I shall tell you what manner of man is he. He lives for a sigh, he dies for a kiss, he lusts for the laugh, ha! He never walks when he can leap! He never flees when he can fight (thud) oop! He swoons at the beauty of a rose. And I offer myself to you, all of me. My heart. My lips. My legs. My calves. Do what you will - my love endures. Beat me. Kick me. (kiss, kiss) I am yours." **** FIRST PLACE ****
Eric Miller - "Do these tights make me look gay?"
John Slotwinski - "Mark Pitcavage fights valiantly to keep the censorship folder on-topic."
Matt Foster - "He must be the King. He's wearing lipstick."
Barry Johnston - "No you can't have my Errol Flynn autographed yellow shirt!"
Jason Schmidt - "Write all the exciting backstory you want, include every dynamic painting and illustration you can scrape up, supply the best Skills and Feats in the whole book -- there's still no way on Earth anybody is going to play a Bard character, Mr Gygax." **** THIRD PLACE ****
David Fox - "So it was that this, this humble piece of magazine cover artwork, was chosen by Michael Jackson as his 'After' model. And what misery and suffering it would cause..."
Klaus Knechtskern - "The brouhaha at the doublesupersale at Origins 2007 was bigger than ever. Publisher´s had to fend of buyers 24 hours/day"
Peter Card - "I miss the chickenwire cage Elwood"
Gary Christiansen - "Errol Flynn indeed, I'm getting this roll in the hay."
Ian Wedge - "Sadly, Errol's dreams of glory were soon to be crushed by the next DoD ruling on gay recruits."
Karen Spurny - "k d lang knew she'd found a newer, freer lifestyle."
Gary Christiansen - "The Brand NEW K-Tel Saber... it Slices, it Dices, it even Pokes holes in Pirates! Yours for Only $19.95. But Not only do you get this High Value Saber, Included in your one time payment of 19.95 is the K-Tel brand Parrying Dagger. If that seems like a deal, look at this, we throw in a genuine pirate eye-patch too. Money back guarantee if Saber fails to perform during duels."
Matt Foster - "Yes, yes. He's handy with a sword allright. But if he keeps singing that song from The Muppet Movie, I'm going to kill him myself."
Joe Steadman - "Frank the extra says, "you idiot.. you grabbed the wrong prop, that is a longsword"! "Who cares Stan, it really goes well with my tights and who will notice" replies the ungrateful friend of his girlfriend's little sister. "Wow, what I will do for that woman, thought Frank."
"I see your Swartz is as long as mine"
"I am NOT a merry man" says the man below to the man above."
Otto Schmidt - "Unlike his co-workers, Kyle loved stockholders meetings."
"Horatio at the Bridge! -- Panzeri at the membership meeting!"
"Prince Panzeri called to his faithful pooch Sancho Mattes! "You hold them off, I'll slip out the back!"
"The Kerioke got a little out of hand that night!"
"Walt O'Hara in younger, happier days- before the dark times, before HMGS."
"Knowing the art director for Airfix miniatures was at the next table, Bernie did his best to striek a pose that would gain him immortality as a perfectly useless figure in the next release." **** SECOND PLACE ****
"Fun though it was, he knew he was getting to old for this. Next day he would talk to his brothers Chico, Zeppo, and Groucho, about joining the act.
Next Week's Cover!
11:24 AM
PulpCap 8
Pulp Caption #8 was from Marvel Science Fiction, May of 1952!
Gary Christiansen - "Now these drops will dilate your pupils... hold still Walt."
David Fox - "She may have seen the Face of Evil, but I have the Eyelashes of Ziti!"
Jason Schmidt - "Gary Coleman gets creepier by the day."
"I Was a Teenage Stripper Optometrist."
"Carla was entranced; who knew a burn victim could be so damned sexy?"
Peter Card - "Yzrgegghklikiki the Defiler of Innocence would entertain the night shift as they hosed down the machinery and picked out the larger body parts for reclamation by playing bootleg porno on his corneal implants, with a direct feed from the Circle of Lust, two stops further in. The De-Evisceration crew were avid fans of "Everyone Snuffs Lucy"
Bill Ramsay - "Objects in pupil are closer than they appear".
Jonathan Gingerich - "AP's new graphic approach to hills and depressions generated an immediate buzz."
Charles Vasey - "Morris' career in window-cleaning got off to a rocky start with the vicar's wife."
Robin Griller - "When Mark saw her with a copy of the new Advanced Starter Kit in her hand, he knew Satan had taken her soul."
Todd Goff - The Ancient One only has eyes for you.
Ian Wedge - Yog-Sothoth's career as a voyeur got off to a bad start when he immediately forgot the basic rules - dark glasses and sideways glances.**** SECOND PLACE ****
Karen Spurny - Tabitha's come hither looks would totally have worked, but the pheromones just weren't right.
Joe Steadman - Late Sunday night, (Monday morning to be exact) after her initial shock, Annette gave her husband a real chewing out... "Gary, did you sleep at Origins at all?, she asked in disgust.... Your getting to old for that. Now come here and let me get you some eye drops.**** THIRD PLACE ****
Matt Foster - "I know you're a Lizardman, but is 'Niiiith tiiiiith' the best you can do?' These things cost me $6000!"
Klaus Knechtskern - "You should see ophthalmologist really soon, otherwise you will suffer irrecoverable loss of eye sight due to that Alamein maps..."
Peter Stein - "I don't know about dyeing my hair pink, but if that's what turns you on Mr. Robinson. . . "
Otto Schmidt - "Bbrlp knew that this time Bess Budge would be HIS and Xxocchi would have to settle for Sally Frederick and be happy about it or else be sent on his way to a quick unification with the overmind."
"Hey Mr. is that a tentacle in your pants or are you just happy to see me."
"Madge resolved at that moment that she was finished with internet dating services."
"As she tried to stifle the scream from her her lips she thought of her mothers words-- "He's a nice man, a good man, a fine catch---"**** FIRST PLACE ****
"Guess who's coming to dinner!?"
Next Pic: Pulp Cap 9!
11:06 AM
Peter Card - "Secret Diary of a BPA Board Member"
Bill Ramsay - "Did you know they chose Ritual Torture as the theme for this party, John? We're totally overdressed!"
Matt Foster - "Few of Pierre’s dinner guests were mollified by his attempt to discipline the domestic staff. In this New France, serving the cheese BEFORE dessert was simply unacceptable."
T. Johnston - John decides to punishes Elaine after she over-clipped the counters to his (formerly) mint copy of "DNO"
Gary Christiansen - "Recent additions to the Masonic rituals brought more members than ever to the fold."
"It turned out a fatal error for Mike since Melonie knew where he slept."
"Bondage and sado-masochism seems to sell Madame Ponderoi's House services almost as well as Black & White SS counters sell wargames."
"Thank you Sir, may I have another?"
David Fox - "Chains and whips, always with the chains and whips. What is it with you people ? Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer a nice quick rattle in the upstairs pantry with the chambermaid."
Jason Schmidt - "The secret life of Tor Johnson."
"In a bid to revive flagging ratings the WWE takes it's Saturday night wrestling program to the next level."
"Brian Blad teaches an errant eBay seller the finer points of morality, ethics, and honesty."
"Lacking a dead horse, CSWers were forced to flog whatever came near."
Paul Wegner - Mr. Clean takes a second job.
John Slotwinski - The Pleasantville Country Club took the Rules of Golf very seriously. Ellen vowed to never improve her lie again.
Morris Hadley - "Forget my caption entry will you? I'll whip the forgetfulness right out of you, you wig-wearing, squirrelly caption-forgetter you!" panted Joe as he lashed into Walt's defenseless, creamy flesh in an uncontrolled frenzy of unconsummated, artistic captionation. While the rest of the O'Hara Blog huddled, speechless clutching their diet Dr. Peppers- all thoughts of E-Bay fraud or turded maps forgotten by the vehemence and passion of Steadman's outburst." *** FIRST PLACE ***
Charles Vasey - For God's sake tip properly this time, Ronald; they're damnably excitable in here.
Klaus Knechtskern - "AP upper management echelon assures that the graphic artist will deliver better map graphics the next time"
James Spurny - "Reginald, dahling, perhaps we should hire this Martian torturer for little Suzy's birthday party next week. The children didn't care for Binky the clown last year, and Suzy does so need to learn a girl's lot in life..."
Dirk Heinz - "I'll show you 'specially revised and edited'"
Karen Spurny - "Does Xxyxyx realise how passe that is? Zorro used that for a calling card years ago."
Joe Steadman - "Radio Commercial: Coming this fall, staring Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, a movie so ground breaking it was made illegal in Utah....Eyes Wide Shut II: The Dungeon"
"Adult Movie: Unibrow Jeremy and Little Debbie star in Bondage Love Slave Part 5"
"Woman in red-dress: Oh, Stanly can I be next?"
"Woman in bottom left corner thinks to herself, “maybe going out with Paris and Linds was a bad idea….”
"Man all the way back peeking in: “Wow, Walt and Gary do throw a great party!” "
Eva Bellambi - The cocktail party guests watched in horror (and some with strange attraction) as Mr. Clean stripped Mrs. Hanscomb-Forbes right there in the parlor and began disciplining her for the use of Pine Sol cleaner during her preparations for the evening. *** THIRD PLACE ***
Otto Schmidt - "(woman in red dress in background) "No one wears the same dress as me to MY party!"
"Though the designers of Mayfair Games had no doubt that it would boost sales they passed on this cover for their large series of linked Board games about World War II."
"In the lair of Zorro's arch rival Xerox."
"Fascist Foreplay- or What do Women REALLY Want?" by Benito Mussolini.
"This time Jerry Springer went too far!"
"So outrageous had Cynthia's behaviour been that the network decided merely voting her off the island was not enough!" *** SECOND PLACE ***
"Big Brother- After Dark!"
"Stirred not Shaken is how Mr. Bondage wants his Martini's"
10:32 AM
Pulp Captions, Round 6 Results
The Entries
David Fox - "Stand back, young and comely barefoot maiden, whilst I defend thee from Mazo de la Roche and the evil Right Margin with my incredibly long yet supple rapier !"
Dave Townsend - "Oh, sure, Dejah Thoris gets that hunky John Carter. Who shows up to rescue me? Don Quixote!"
Matt Foster - "You are fascinated, senorita, yes? By the slow, rhythmic movements of my long, pointy sword, yes? You suspect some form of psychological compensation for my sexual inadequacies, yes? Yesssss? Yes! We are Spaniards and we massacre your people because our weenies are too small!" ** SECOND PLACE **
John Slotwinski - "¿Es eso una espada o es usted solamente feliz verme?"
Charles Vasey - "The Eurythmics Spanish Tour was not going quite as planned"
Gary Christiansen - "You are aware of course the size of the manhood equates to the length of his sword?"
"What do you mean human sacrifice?"
"Just like a guy, too armored up to move when I'm in the mood."
"Alberto not only wasn't very good at telling the maidens from the warriors, but his aim with the toad sticker wasn't too good either."
Paul Wegner - "I might be the Sun Virgin but even I know when a man is compensating for something with a long sword".
John Vasilakos - Woman: "Honey, does this skirt make me look fat?
Man: ".Sorry...what did you say dear?...I was trying out my new sword" ** FIRST PLACE **
T. Johnston - Running Deer sadly thought: I guess they are sissy Spaniards. ** THIRD PLACE **
Peter Stein - Deanna tried everything to get Rob to pay more attention to her and stop playing that stupid Cortes game every night.
Jason Schmidt - "Even after Richard and Schatzi dressed up in exotic costumes and initiated dominance roleplaying there was no saving the Berg marriage."
"Rudy Canoza is the King of Latin Lingerie! Canoza's Lingerie on Melrose and Pico, open 7 days a week!"
Ian Wedge - The cultural exchange mission was going so well, Pablo decided to wow them with his rendition of the "Hokey Cokey".
Karen Spurny - "I wonder if those puffy pants would make my butt look big."
Peter Card - "Get lost Juan, I'm working here, and and this is ~my~ deer-trail corner"
Congratulations to the Big Big Weiners!
12:29 PM
Pulp Captions, Round 5 Results
The picture for Last Contest comes from THRILLING MYSTERY MAGAZINE, originally printed in August of 1936! I would have hoped for a better showing.... bondage, large phallic object, helpless male shouting something...Oh well.
Gary Christiansen: "(in honor of Barbarella) "See? Duran-Duran is not the only one to create an orgasmatron torture device!"
David Fox: "You kids have it too easy these days. When I was your age and I wanted a good artificial suntan I had to tie myself up and crawl- crawl ! - through the machine. And just look at all this protective gear. I used to run the tanning machine 20 hours a day wearing nothing more than a pair of sunglasses and a lead jockstrap. We didn't have any of that sissy stuff like skin cancer back in those days, nosireebob."
Ian Wedge: "No need for concern, miss. 100% safety track record on this new NMR scanning machine. Hold on a second."
Peter Card: "Gosh darn it Queenie, did you have to crack wise with the spaceport security droid?" **** SECOND PLACE ****
Jonathan Gingerich: "Canadian healthcare left a bit to be desired" **** THIRD PLACE ****
Matt Foster: "As the pneumatic orifice enlarger drowned out Rachel’s screams, Rex sadly admitted to himself that calling Dr. Phallos a “dickhead” had been a VERY bad idea."
Bill Ramsay: "One look at the "technician" was all Mary needed to realize she was doomed. No way this was an MRI."
Dirk Heinz: "Wally and James were thrilled that their transmogifier had produced a living girl. The rest of the chess club would be so jealous."
Klaus Knechtskern: "Now the next experiment of the Aliens getting hang of that immaculate conception thing.."
Jason Schmidt: "In a blatant violation of every Federation Directive known Kirk rigged the replicator to begin the systematic mass-production of his so-called 'Intergalactic Bitches.'"
"Thrilling Tales of Magnetic Resonance Imaging! Pre-cancerous growths are no match for the Amazing Science of the Future!"
Karen Spurny: "Hi there, folks, and welcome to the show. I'm Ron Popeil; and for the next half hour, I'll be demonstrating the Soylent Green Tenderizer home model by Ronco. That's right, you can make Soylent Green in you own home. Just "set it, and forget it." **** FIRST PLACE ****
T. Johnston: "Bride of Frankenstein '36"
Robin Griller: "As he watched his one true love slide into the infernal death machine mandated by the bureaucrats at his HMO, Tex knew that she'd have been saved if only he'd cast the deciding vote in *favour* of single-payer health care!"
10:21 AM
Pulp Captions 4: City of Glass
Matt Foster: Glass, Harold. GLASS. Get it? But nooooooo, you had to be the smartass with a BB-gun. *** HM ***
"If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times: People who live in glass cities shouldn't sh*t bricks!"
Gary Christiansen: "Karen, James and Walt simply could not escape the Forum of Glass."
"Like most citizens of CSW, no one noticed outside the city there was nothing but ugly pastel yellow desert."
"Why did you say we had to go so far out of town to have this threesome?"
"So tell me again, why did you take the curtains?" *** HM ***
David Fox: George, while running in third place, would have better appreciated his ability to look up Diana's miniskirt had Fred not taken the lead in his ghastly clingy lavender shorts. *** SECOND PLACE ***
Bill Ramsay: "Hey, if we live in a glass city, what are we breathing out here?" *** FIRST PLACE ***
Morris Hadley: "Forced perspective, figures in action, hands exposed and gripping objects, this cover would demand all of Noel's artistic talent and then some."
Klaus Knechtskern: "You are perfectly sure there are no rocket worms out here?"
Jonathan Gingerich: "I told you not to throw stones!"
Peter Stein: "Now look where the Glass City is! Will you stop and ask somebody for directions?"
Jason Schmidt: "After twelve years on the run, pursued through six systems and across half-again as many planets, the Replicants finally found themselves at the mercy of the dreaded Imperial Fashion Police."
"The future of the Crystal City at stake, three intrepid explorers set out across a hostile and merciless desert in search of a Squeegee." *** THIRD PLACE ***
Charles Vasey: "Are you sure it's in this direction?"
Ian Wedge: Despite being given the starting gun, Hank could never resist joining the race.
Grant Whitley: "New South Beach proved to be even more sinister than Bartertown. The three wanderers grabbed a bag each of hotpants and ruffled pastel shirts and made their escape into the nuclear desert".
Karen Spurny: "You just had to tell them we don't do windows, didn't you, Margaret?"
Peter Card: The gallant trio's hopes for a clean get-away were dashed when they found that an overnight mustardstorm had deposited a inch of pungent condiment on the Painted Wastes of Karmakarmakamalian. *** HM ***
3:06 PM
PULP CAPTIONS
ROUND 3 RESULTS!
Today's Illustration: Fast Action Detective, 1957
Captions:
Bill Ramsay - "I'm telling you, this is the best way for you to get back to Norway" **THIRD**
Ian Wedge - "The so called mystery of the red-headed slaymate turned out to be an open and shut case."
Matt Foster - "For a leggy, well-built broad you must weigh a TON!"
"Bob never imagined his snarky comment about Helen's troublesome static cling would give rise to the Legend of the Gimp." **SECOND**
David Fox - "Waaait a minute, if you're not the Red-Headed Slaymate or Homicide's Heiress, that must make me... the Amorous Corpse ??! Nooooooooooooooooooo"
Charles Vasey - "Bergey's plan of a designer in every box of "Storm of Stuff" was not proving popular with Avalanche Liz". **FIRST**
Pat Osika - "Game night takes on a whole new meaning at the Spurny household..."
Paul Wegner - "Hey! When you said you wanted to show me your box, this isn't what I expected."
Karen Spurny - "Honey, when I said, 'You have nice junk in the trunk,' it was a compliment. Really!"
James Spurny - "These Eurogame boxes are so hard to close."
"So that's where box farts come from."
Gary Christiansen - "When Harry Met Sally goes terribly wrong."
Peter Stein - The guys might laugh at me if they ever see this picture. But if I get some, I'll have the last laugh!"
Jonathan Gingerich - "There were a few issues to work out with the new $150 flat rate Priority Boxes..."
Peter Card - How big will my bum look after I lock the lid and throw away the key you sonnavabitch?
Mike Reed - "Stephanie from Lazytown grows up...and takes revenge..."
Jason Schmidt - "Al Gore's wife shows him what 'Lockbox' really means."
"Kate found her Inflatable Love Stud a bit too real."
"Oh, so that's how you get 900 people on the Airbus A-380!"
10:42 AM
Super Detective
Over on Consimworld, we're running the weekly PULP CAPTION contest, once a week. Here's the latest results!
Last Week's Contest came from the cover of SUPER DETECTIVE STORIES, in 1945!
Results:
Jason Schmidt
"Tom's bionic hand seemed like a fantastic idea until he had to scratch his nipple."
** FIRST PLACE **
"Sascha, I tried to warn you that sleeping with Vasily Zaytsev's wife was a bad idea!"
** SECOND PLACE **
"Thrilling Detective Stories presents Killer Cholesterol!"
Mike Reed
Shot in the heart...and you're to blame....you give love, a bad name..."
Bill Ramsay
"Wow, his gun is so much bigger than yours, Lou."
Morris Hadley
Good heavens! Your...your...monthly...flow... [agonized] It burns. It BURNS.
Matt Foster
"You men are all the same. Compensate by using a bigger GUN."
"Dammit, Ronald! That's not what I meant by 'money shot'." ** THIRD PLACE **
Gary Christiansen
"Some men never get the message. I said ONE sadist. Two Guns and one bound woman never works out. Okay, pass me a cigarette."
Dave Fox
"Dammit, dear, would you please learn to duck ? This is the last time I am cleaning blood off that shirt !"
Peter Stein
They don't look like they're in bed.
