The Entries:

Gary Christiansen - "Mark Pitcavage goes after Brian Youse on learning MMP publishes titles other than ASL."

"Really Betty, it's in the Spirit of the Rules!"

"Mike Reed towered gloweringly over Gary while he was playing a Bulge title at Origins."

"It's all smoke and mirrors anyway. Something to do with the chalice from the palace having the pellet with the poison... no no no, the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle .. no wait.. um. nevermind. The flagon with the dragon has the brew that is true?"

Bill Ramsay - "Uncle Fester planned on showing them where his name came from, but he wasn't fast enough"

David Fox - "Loooocy, did you wreck the car ?
No, dear.
Loooocy, did you dance around the Druid's tree and wake the dead ?
Yes, dear.
But the car's okay ?" **** THIRD PLACE ****

Mike Reed - "Try as he may, Chip could never get away from the floating disembodied head of Uncle Charley..."

"Even on vacation, Mark Herman was constantly pestered with questions about 'Empire of the Sun'..."

"Everyone hates a rules lawyer...even the ghost of Charles Roberts"

"Rob had warned Dee not to cry out 'Kote-knee' while in the throes of ecstasy, but did she listen? Noooooooo...."

J. R. Tracy - "No, wait, really, this isn't like all those other time-share offers!"

Peter Stein - "No matter what the young Euro gamers did, the sinister members of the wargaming hobby were never far away."

Jason Schmidt - "George gripped Laura tightly as the specter of future failures towered over them. The newlyweds knew there was only one safe place to run; frantically they made their way toward the Oval Office and the protection from responsibility that only it's walls could provide."

"Clarice was horrified to learn that cannibalism, though glamorous and titillating, carried with it the threat of The Flatulence of the Damned."

Rob Seulowitz - “As Robert Tilton attempts to shield her, an enraged Walter Mercado snatches back his toupee from a fleeing Tammy Faye Bakker.”

Peter Card - "You cannot curl that which does not dye!!" cackled the Purple Hair Ghoul

Karen Spurny - "You know, Caroline, reading this cover makes me realise that the author is an idiot. Of course they are the dead that cannot die. They're already dead. Wouldn't it have made more sense to say, 'The dead who could not rest', or something? Aaaargh! A giant head!"
"You're a regular Sherlock Holmes, aren't you?" **** FIRST PLACE ****

Ian Wedge - "Pat was secretly quite pleased with the nickname the other gaming Druids had given him. A real ice-breaker at parties, being called 'Disaster'."

Otto Schmidt - "While Vance dreamed of nibbling on Edwitha's Honeydews, she dreamed of
feasting on his chitlin's- Vance had forgotten that old saying-- "Demons
are a ghouls best friend."

I pay for a nose job, boob job, hair enhancement, tummy tuck, face-lift,liposuction, fix the lazy eye, flatulence, and limp and a $4,000 Hollywood make-over to boot and she dumps me for the President of the Young Republicans!!!!

“Don’t worry Mr. Druid I’ll use a Condom!!!!!!!” The Hell YOU will!” Listen you Son-of-a-bitch– you lay one hand on my daughter and you’ll be dancing around that tree alright! You’ll be dancing from the end of a
F*****G rope!”

“Quasimodo knew that this day would come, – he had known all along he he was only a “starter hunchback” **** SECOND PLACE ****

“Try to understand dad, I know you and Mom are Druids and you’ve really given me a lot of great memories– animal sacrifices-- the seasonal solstace orgies– the blood rites– but Jeff’s Anglican and his people just wouldn’t understand– and besides– I’ve moved on Dad, I’ve changed– that’s not ME anymore. And I don’t know how to tell you this Dad-- try not to be angry-- but – I’m a virgin again!”

“Little does Kyle know that beneath that beautiful demure exterior, that clean-scrubbed, prom queen countenance, is the soul of her father– Yes– He was marrying BRIDEZILLA!”

“So Tess,– when are you going to show me this family tree you are always bragging about!”

PULP CAPTION 11, from the cover of Detective Fiction Weekly, May of 1940!