The picture for Last Contest comes from THRILLING MYSTERY MAGAZINE, originally printed in August of 1936! I would have hoped for a better showing.... bondage, large phallic object, helpless male shouting something...
Gary Christiansen: "(in honor of Barbarella) "See? Duran-Duran is not the only one to create an orgasmatron torture device!"
David Fox: "You kids have it too easy these days. When I was your age and I wanted a good artificial suntan I had to tie myself up and crawl- crawl ! - through the machine. And just look at all this protective gear. I used to run the tanning machine 20 hours a day wearing nothing more than a pair of sunglasses and a lead jockstrap. We didn't have any of that sissy stuff like skin cancer back in those days, nosireebob."
Ian Wedge: "No need for concern, miss. 100% safety track record on this new NMR scanning machine. Hold on a second."
Peter Card: "Gosh darn it Queenie, did you have to crack wise with the spaceport security droid?" **** SECOND PLACE ****
Jonathan Gingerich: "Canadian healthcare left a bit to be desired" **** THIRD PLACE ****
Matt Foster: "As the pneumatic orifice enlarger drowned out Rachel’s screams, Rex sadly admitted to himself that calling Dr. Phallos a “dickhead” had been a VERY bad idea."
Bill Ramsay: "One look at the "technician" was all Mary needed to realize she was doomed. No way this was an MRI."
Dirk Heinz: "Wally and James were thrilled that their transmogifier had produced a living girl. The rest of the chess club would be so jealous."
Klaus Knechtskern: "Now the next experiment of the Aliens getting hang of that immaculate conception thing.."
Jason Schmidt: "In a blatant violation of every Federation Directive known Kirk rigged the replicator to begin the systematic mass-production of his so-called 'Intergalactic Bitches.'"
"Thrilling Tales of Magnetic Resonance Imaging! Pre-cancerous growths are no match for the Amazing Science of the Future!"
Karen Spurny: "Hi there, folks, and welcome to the show. I'm Ron Popeil; and for the next half hour, I'll be demonstrating the Soylent Green Tenderizer home model by Ronco. That's right, you can make Soylent Green in you own home. Just "set it, and forget it." **** FIRST PLACE ****
T. Johnston: "Bride of Frankenstein '36"
Robin Griller: "As he watched his one true love slide into the infernal death machine mandated by the bureaucrats at his HMO, Tex knew that she'd have been saved if only he'd cast the deciding vote in *favour* of single-payer health care!"