News Release prior to F1901 Turn

by your intrepid correspondent, William Randolph Rothberg

Spring 1901

Reports country by country.

Austria-Hungary

Two sure signs of spring are the blooming of the Edelweiss in the Alps and Austria-Hungary will invade Serbia. Sure enough, it did and they did. What’s more Marines have landed in Tirane. When questioned on this unlawful incursion, the Fleet PIO produced a copy of Zagats and replied that he was just checking up on a few entries. Not 2 seconds after the fleet left port in Trieste, the Viennese army group was seen fleeing the capitol to take their place along the coast. “Between the fattening deserts and all that screechy opera, we just had to get out of there” declared several soldiers.

England

The British High Seas Fleet, hearing that there was decent food somewhere in Europe sortied the fleet from Scapa Floe. “Food with flavor! Find the food that has taste!” was their battle cry. Unfortunately, they set sail for Scandanavia, not realizing that the food there is pretty much the same as the food in England. The balance of the fleet, having just seen a performance of Henry V, decided to reassert the Crown’s rights. The fleet’s battle emblem was simply the motto “Salic descent!” Meanwhile, the new musical sensation out of Liverpool, The Wheedles, took their show on tour to the midlands. It has been said that the caravan of fans that followed them on the road was as large as an army.

France

The French, anticipating a German invasion this year, deployed the bulk of their armed forces to the eastern border. The High Command defending this move declared, “Heck, it’s been well over 20 years, they are way past due. Besides, we have all these neat uniforms and stuff.” One army group, however, completely drunk on the world famous wines of the Rhone and Loire valleys was last seen scaling the Pyrennes in search of salty snacks.

Germany

With massive French and Russian armies west and east of them, and an English fleet menacing them on the waterways to the north, the Germans bravely dealt with the situation by invading neutral Denmark. The Kaiser meanwhile surrounded himself with an entire Army Group. “I just love a man in uniform”, he was heard to say. Prospects for an heir remain slim.

Italy

Il Ducke seems to have decided that Europe is simply too crowded (not an inaccurate description) and has launched his fleets southwards looking for new lands to conquer. Meanwhile, showing all the trust a unwashed butcher playing with a rabid pit-bull would show, the Italian armies deploy eastwards to cover their border with what the Naples Herald has named “The Reddish Menace”. In a related story Pasta Futures on the Roman Big Board boiled upwards.

Russia

News flash! The Czar has declared war on everyone! “It’s just a matter of time until everyone is going to attack us, so why wait? Turkey? Heathens! England? Germany? England? Imperialistic running hogs! (Note to self, find a better figure of speech for that one.) Austria-Hungary? I just bet they are already printing up new stationary with the name Austria-Hungary-Russian Empire on it. And France and Italy, how can you trust them? I mean really.

Turkey

North, South, East, West, where to go? Well, both South and East are protected by these impenetrable barriers of mysterious nature. South, nothing there but sand. Of course there is always the Balkans, or as they are known in Constantinople “Turkish Delight”. Now if only the Russians and Austrians would go to war, but what are the odds of that - 1 in 2? Ah well, there is always the Mediterranean.

ONWARD!