Some things can't be sent overseas

I love offshore customer service horror stories. This is a good one. The recent Dell Laptop Battery Recall generated this email exchange between the brother-in-law of a work colleague and the increasingly bewildered DELL Customer service agents, probably located in Sri Lanka from the looks of things.

Enjoy! My colleague's brother in law is cited in italics, the response from the Dell corporation is in bold.



*****************************************
--- Start customer's original message---
Customer Information:

***********************************************
Name = MS
Customer Number =
requester E-Mail =xx
Contact Phone =123-4567890
Service Tag =
Order Number =
Issue Category = Other Question notlisted
Year Of Birth = NA

***********************************************


Problem:
I read that there is a recall for laptop batteries including the model that I have. Please let me know how I can go about getting a replacement battery.



***********************************************
Sent To: us_bcsd@dell.com
Referring URL: 70.168.51.130
Date Submitted: 8/14/2006
Date Received(K): 8/14/06 05:57:54 PM
KMM: KMM642075I4735L0KM
***************************************
--- End customer's original message ---
***************************************

--- US_bcsd@dell.comwrote:
Dear Dell Customer,

If Dell's e-mail software has interprets your message correctly, you have requested information about a battery recall for a Dell Notebook computer.

Dell is voluntarily recalling and offering free replacements notebook batteries that were sold for use with some models of Dell Latitude,Dell Precision, and Dell Inspiron notebook computers.

(Please note only the described are part of the recall and NOT the notebook computers themselves.) The recall affects the following systems that were shipped between October 5, 2004 and October 13, 2005 ONLY:

Latitude D410, D505, D510, D600, D610, D800, D810

Inspiron 510m, 600m, 6000, 8600, 9200, 9300, XPS Gen 2Precision M20 and M70

To determine if your battery is affected please go to our special battery recall Web page at: http://www.dellbatteryprogram.com

I went to the website and entered the information. It said that my battery needs replacement. Then when I clicked submit it told me tore-enter the battery information and then told me that my battery not need to be replaced. Please tell me what is going on.

The information on my battery is: JP-OC2603-48330-49A-J3LQ

Dear Mr. S:

Thank you for contacting Dell.

I understand from your email that wen you went to website and entered the information it said your battery needs replacement but wen youclicked on submit button it said your battery doesnt any replacement. I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you. I will be glad to assist you with this issue.

I have researched on ti

What?

Dear Mr. S:

Thank you for contacting Dell.

I apologize for the miscommunication done in the earlier email since there were some technical problems going on. I will be glad to assist you with the replacement battery request. I have researched on your PID number and please be informed that it clearly shows that there is no need for the replacement done for your battery since it is perfectly alright.

Mr. S, I hope this takes care of your concern, please feel free to contact me for any additional support.

You may receive a survey requesting your feedback on yourDell experience. Please take a moment of your time to complete this survey andprovide us feedback on how we deliver to your customer needs.

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Shochi_K
Email Case Number 11363435
Customer Care Specialist
ABU Customer eCare
Dell Inc.

Thank you for getting back to me.

Unfortunately, I am not convinced as to the validity of your response. I will call customer service. Hopefully someone without technical problems going on will answer the phone. I look forward to completing the survey to provide feedback on how you deliver to my customer needs. A quick suggestion would be to re-paint the office, with unleaded paint this time.

Dear Shemochi_K:

I just called the customer service number and was told by a recording that nobody would be able to take my call and that I should go to Dell's website.

I went back to the website, re-entered the information, and was told once again that I need a new battery (see attached). This means that you lied to me - you told me that my battery did not need to be replaced, yet it did. I am very upset and will not purchase Dell products in the future.

Send me the replacement battery or proof that mine does not need replacing or I will sue.


Dear Mr. S:

Thank you for your reply.

I have researched on this issue and I apologize for themiscommunication done in the earlier email. Your understanding and patience will be greatly appreciated regards to this issue.

Please be advised to provide me your shipping so that I can place an order for you as early as possible. If you have already replaced the battery then once this process is complete, you will receive a message that the order is complete.

Please allow 20 business days for delivery. Mr. S, once again, I apologize and truly regret any inconvenience or frustration this matter may have caused. If you need any additional information, or have any other questions, please feel free to reply to my email. I will ensure that all of your questions are answered.

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Shemochi_K
Customer Care Specialist
ABU Customer eCare
Dell Inc.

Shemochi, thank you once again for your help. I am veryhappy to say that I believe I understand some of what you wrote to me. It appears that you have changed your mind and now recognize that the battery does in fact need to be replaced, and that you want me to give you my address so you can ship the replacement battery to me. Is this correct?

The replacement battery should be for the Inspiron 600m computer that I ordered in August of 2004. Please ship it to:

Mr. MS
xxx
xxx yyy Avenue

USA

In your e-mail to me, you say, "If you have already replaced the battery then once this process is complete, you will receive amessage that the order is complete." What does this mean?

Thanks again for your help.

your friend,
M

Dear Mr. Noble:

Thank you for contacting Dell.

I understand from your email that the battery is not workingfine and you want the replacement battery to be sent to you, I'm sorry to hear that. I shall assist you in regards to this.

I apologize that I am unable to pull out any information with the details you have provided me.

In order to better assist you, I will need your customer account or order/invoice number including a description of your issue.

If you do not have these numbers, please provide the following account information so I may access your information in our system:

System Service Tag: (This is a 5 or 7-digit alphanumeric code located on the back, bottom or side of the system unit on a bar-coded tag(ex. ABC12 or A1B2C3D).

Hope you have the following information kindly provide it to me and also if there is anything additional I can help you with, please do not hesitate to send a reply to this email.

We value you as a Dell customer and your satisfaction is important to us. In our efforts to improve the services we provide, you may receive a survey requesting your feedback pertaining to the level of customer service you received via e-mail.

Please take a moment of your time to let us know how we? doing as we also value your feedback.

Thank you for choosing Dell.
Respectfully,

Mohit_C
Email Case Number 11363435
Customer Care Specialist
ABU Customer eCare
Dell Inc.

Estimado Mohit:

Gracias mucho porsu respuesta personalizada. Pues cada uno sabe, después de que cambiara minombre a Sr. Noble, la primera cosa que deseé era recibir un E-mail extrañoescrito de Dell que no contestó a mi pregunta. Mucho aprecio su ayuda.

Su amigo,
M


(Translation follows, it was not sent with the e-mail)

Dear Mohit:

Thank you very much for yourpersonalized response. As everyone knows, the first thing I wanted afterchanging my name to Mr. Noble was an e-mail that did not answer my questions.Thank you very much for your help.

Your friend,

M

­­

­Dear Mr. Noble:
Thank you for your reply.

Please be informed that this issue was handled by one of thecustomer care representative and now it has come to my inbox and inorder for meto assist you in regards to this I will need the following information.

1. Contact Name:
2. Address: (from your original order/ invoice)
3. Current Shipping Address: (Address, City, State, and Zip) No PO Boxes please:
4. Daytime Phone Number:
5. Alternate Contact/ Phone:
6. Order Number:
7. Customer Number:
8. Service Tag Number:
9. Address you would like the system returned to, if different from theshipping address above.

Mr. Noble, kindly provide me the following information and Ishall be more than glad to assist you further.

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Mohit_C
Email Case Number 11363435
Customer Care Specialist
ABU Customer eCare
Dell Inc.

Merci tellement pour votre réponse, Mohit. J'ai deux
questions très importantes: 1) Comprenez-vous
réellement le français? 2) Où est Shemochi?

Bien que mon nom changé, mon problème pas. J'ai besoin
toujours d'une batterie non-éclatante pour mon
ordinateur d'Inspiron 600m. Si par un certain miracle
vous l'embarquez jamais à moi, employez svp mon vieux
nom, car pas étonnamment vous êtes juste une étape en
avant de la poste, et l'envoyer veuillez à l'adresse
que j'ai fournie ci-dessous. Cela me ferait le smurf
smurfiest dans tout le village.

Les salutations de la saison.
-M

(Translation follows, it was not sent with the e-mail)

Thanks so much for your response,Mohit.

I have two very importantquestions: 1) Do you

actually understand French? 2)What ever happened to

Shemochi?

Although my name changed, myproblem did not. I still

require a non-exploding batteryfor my Inspiron 600m

computer. Should a miracleallowing you to ship me one

occur, please use my old name, asnot surprisingly you

are just one step ahead of thepost office Please send

it to the address that I providedbelow. That would

make me the smurfiest smurf inall the village.

Season's greetings

-M

Whazzup Mohit!

Thrice hath the sun risen andset since your last e-mail, thus I begin to worry. Although my nobility can bea blessing, it pushes me toward jealousy when you ignore my needs, yet stillhave the time to send semi-English e-mails to other frustrated customers.

Although we have nothing incommon - I think that Dell should send me a non-exploding battery, youobviously don't give a crap, I remember my name, you donÂ’t - that doesn't meanwe can't be friends.

The noblest first step you couldtake would be to send me a new battery for my Inspiron 600m computer. Thatwould light my heart ablaze like the current battery does to my computer.

Please send it to:

MS

xxx Third Avenue

city, state

USA

Our Thoughts and Prayers areWith You,

M

Dear Mr. S:

Thank you for your excellentreply.

Please be informed that I justspoke to the Dell battery recall team and one of the representative repliedstating that the replacement process is undergoing and also said that thecustomer will be sent an email regarding this with a reference number.

I would really appreciate if youcan check your email and find out the reference number sent to you by the Dellbattery recall team, also reply back if you have recently changed your address,so that I can update Dell battery recall team with your new address and thebattery will be sent to you to the new address.

Mr. S, you can even call up theDell battery recall team on the following number 1-866-342-0011.

Please reply back with thereference number also feel to shoot back any questions which need assistance,and I shall be more than glad to assist you further.

You may receive a surveyrequesting your feedback on your Dell experience. Please take a moment of yourtime to complete this survey and provide us feedback on how we deliver to yourcustomer needs.

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Mohit_C

Email Case Number 11363435

Customer Care Specialist

ABU Customer eCare

Dell Inc.

We Care for Customers: http://www.Dellcustomercare.com

Party on, Mohit.

Your reply was truly excellent.If I read it right, it appears that the process of sending me a replacementbattery is already underway. This is most non-heinous.

I have not yet received thee-mail with the reference number, but will let you know as soon as I do. I havenot changed my address, so as long as they are not shipping it from Uranus Ishould receive it soon after they send it.

I therefore only need to shootback with one question that needs assistance. Do you know when they will sendme the e-mail with the reference number?

Thanks again for your help andpatience. I understand that this is a very important month and appreciate yourtime.

Stay regular,

M

Dear Mr. S:

Thank you for your reply.

Mr. S, I feel so happy after youfelt happy, and it is really an occasion to be happy, I will guide you aboutit.

Dell battery recall program teaminformed that they send an email to the customer as soon as they receive thebattery replacement information and the representative informed me to confirmif you have received the email. So I asked you to check the records and dorespond back with the information.

I once again called up the Dellbattery recall program team and I have told them to email the reference numberonce again. You will soon receive an email from them which will show thereference number. Then it will be much easier to track the battery and find thestatus.

I hope this takes care of yourconcern, feel free to reply back for further queries and I shall be more thanhappy to assist you.

You may receive a surveyrequesting your feedback on your Dell experience. Please take a moment of yourtime to complete this survey and provide us feedback on how we deliver to yourcustomer needs.

Thank you for http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.bold.gif
insert bold tagschoosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Mohit_C

Email Case Number 11363435

Customer Care Specialist

ABU Customer eCare

Dell Inc.

Wherefore art thou Mohit,

Your e-mail makes me happy toknow that the new Mad-Libs is finally available. Depending on your intendedverb tense, I am now confident that a new battery was, is, or will be on itsway over the river and through the woods to the promised land. Just when Ineeded help because I had fallen and couldnÂ’t get up, you turned it around withone small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. Hey do run run run hey dorun run.

Young man, there's no need tofeel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man,'cause you're in a new town. There's no need to be unhappy.

Again, thanks for your exorcisingpatients with me. I know that the entire day of August is a very special weekin your life, and I appreciate your spending all hour guiding me about it. I’mnow strong to the finish ‘cuz I eats me spinach.

I have no more questions thatneed to be assisted and am very satisfied with how you delivered to my customerneeds. If there is anyway that I can help you with your Special needs, pleaselet me know.

You can be my wingman any day,

M

Dear Mr. S,


Thank you for contacting DellTechnical Support.

I apologize for the inconvenienceand the issue you are facing with your computer.


I understand that the battery ofyour computer had gone bad and needs a replacement.

I would like to inform you thatbatteries are a consumable item. Theyare made of chemicals that go inert after a period of time, reducing theirability to hold a charge. For thisreason, they are only covered under warranty for 1 year from the date ofpurchase. After this time, battery needsto be replaced.

Since the battery of yourcomputer is older than 1 year you need to replace the battery of your computer.You can order the replacement battery from our Sales Department. You can orderthe replacement part from our Sales Department. Sales Representatives areavailable daily between 7 amand 11 pm Central Time at1-800-372-3355.

The case number for thisinteraction is 141850633 . The case has been documented and the contents ofthis case are available to all Dell support representatives. If you needadditional assistance with this issue and you utilize our phone or chat supportchannels, please provide them with this case number. For additional assistancevia e-mail, simply reply to this e-mail.

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Umesh

Dell Rep ID 01126084

Dell Technical Support


Take me to your leader:

This is in response to UmeshÂ’se-mail, which had a different subject line than my e-mail chain with Mohit. Iwill be sending this with both subject lines, hoping that it gets to both ofyou, and perhaps Shemochi - God rest his/her soul. Goodbye Shemochi. Though Inever knew you at all. You had the grace to hold yourself while those aroundyou crawled. They crawled out of the woodwork and they whispered into yourbrain. They set you on the treadmill and they made you change your name (toMohit?). And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind,never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And I would have liked tohave known you, but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before yourlegend ever did.

UmeshÂ’s e-mail ruined what Mohittold me was really an occasion to be happy. It now appears that all of the progresswe made has been lost in translation. Everything we worked so hard toaccomplish has become unmeshed.

The purpose of Dell’s batteryrecall is to send non-exploding batteries to customers to replace the explodingones. The following is written on Dell’s website as a description of thebatteries to be replaced, “The batteries were shipped to customers between April 1, 2004 and July 18, 2006.” My batterywas shipped in August of 2004. August of 2004 is between April 1 of 2004 andJuly 18 of 2006. This does not mesh with your last e-mail.

Usually DellÂ’s website and theunderstandable portions of the responses from Shemochi and Mohit, if those areyour real names, have agreed that the battery shipped with my computer isdefective and should be replaced as part of the recall. However, your laste-mail appears to indicate that batteries shipped more than a year ago are nolonger being recalled. I just do not understand how you mesh your last e-mailwith our previous discussions.

Did the decoder ring break? Didyou eat too many carbs? Not enough fiber? Perhaps the high gas prices? I justdonÂ’t get why you give me two stories that just donÂ’t mesh.

I understand that you will needto talk with each other and the Dell Battery Replacement Specialists because no man, does itall by himself. I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf. And just gothere, to the Y.M.C.A. I'm sure they can help you today.

I am looking forward to yourresponse to which I look forward after you return and get back from the departmentof redundancy department to give me a response; I await your response.

Keep your eye on the ball,

M

Dear Mr. S,

Thank you for contacting DellTechnical Support.

I apologize for the inconvenienceand the issue you are facing with your computer.

As indicated in the notice, Dellhas determined that certain batteries produced with Sony battery cells have apotential issue that could cause the batteries to overheat, posing a risk offire. These batteries were sold for usewith some models of Dell Latitude, Precision Mobile Workstation, XPS, andInspiron notebook computers.

As a result of this potentialissue, Dell is voluntarily recalling and offering free replacements for thepotentially affected batteries that shipped between April 1, 2004 and July 18, 2006. We offer two methods to participate: You can visit our following dedicatedwebsite, allowing you to complete the process at your earliest convenience;

www.dellbatteryprogram.com

or you can call at 1-866-342-0011and the phone support person can verify if your battery is affected and thencomplete the order process now.

You will also be provided with anestimated delivery date at the time your order is placed.

If the battery does fall underthe recall program, please remove the battery from your system at this time.

Once again I apologize for theinconvenience.

If you need any other assistancethan please get back to me, I will be glad to assist you.

The case number for thisinteraction is 141850633 .

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Umesh

Dell Rep ID 01126084

Dell Technical Support

DonÂ’t touch the brown acid,Umesh:

Umesh, Umesh, Umesh: Just asquickly as Mohit was making me a Happy Meal, you were busy stealing the fries.You certainly are a few fries short of a Happy Meal, rubble rubble. You havebrought us back to square 1, after all our hard work to get up to square pi.You truly put the cave in caveat emptor, shamma-lamma ding-dong. There is no“I” in Dell, but there are three in “irritating”.

Please actually read the entiree-mail chain. Only then will you realize that this whole mess started by mygoing to the website and doing what you just told me to do. Then Dell repliedwith weirdness and pseudo-English and technical problems, oh my. Then I askedfor clarification and Dell replied by changing my name, forgetting my problem,and not understanding plain and simple Spanish. IÂ’ll admit that after that, Iwent a little cuckoo for coco puffs, but I did not get there alone. No, in factyou, Umesh, were there all the way, driving me bonkers as if I were Miss Daisy.

Just as volts are named afterAlessandro Volta, and PlanckÂ’s constant is named after Dr. Constant, I amconfident that there will one day be a unit of annoyance called the Umesh. Ihope itÂ’s metric.

Live from New York, itÂ’s Saturday night,

M

Dear Mr. S:

Thank you for the reply.

I am the case manager assigned towork on this issue. Please accept my sincere apologies for any disappointmentin your dealings with Dell. I apologize that you have experienced so muchdifficulty in getting the defective battery replaced.

I spoke with the Dell batteryreplacement team and the new order number is 270882. However, we are not ableto provide you with any status on the website. This has been escalated and youwill receive a call back from our escalations team within 48-72 hrs. I havedocumented the same under the case number

Once again, I apologize and trulyregret any inconvenience or frustration this matter may have caused. If you need any additional information, orhave any other questions, please feel free to reply to my email. I will ensurethat all of your questions are answered.

Thank you for choosing Dell.

Respectfully,

Sri_Sandhya

Email Case Number 11363435

Case Manager

ABU Customer eCare

Dell Inc.


Dear Sri_Sandhya:

Thank you very much for yourstraightforward reply. There is need to call, and no need to get an exactshipping date. If you can just let me know that the replacement battery willactually show up within the next month, I will be very happy.

hanks,

M

Dear Sri_Sandhya:

My apologies, I meant to say thatthere is no need to call. I was so excited by your e-mail that I wasunable to suppress my inner Shemochi.

Thanks again,

M

Dear Dell Valued Customer,

Thank you for contacting DellTechnical Support.

I understand that you have aconcern with the battery recall initiative. Dell has determined that certainbatteries produced with Sony battery cells have a potential issue that couldcause the batteries to overheat, posing a risk of fire. These batteries weresold for use with some models of Dell Latitude, Precision Mobile Workstations,XPS, and Inspiron portable computers.

As a result of this potential issue, Dell isvoluntarily recalling and offering free replacements for the potentiallyaffected batteries that shipped between April 1, 2004, and July 18, 2006.However, there are some steps to check whether your battery needs replacementor not.

Please visit the following linkand click the "Yes" button and then select the desired language toread the instructions.

http://www.dellbatteryprogram.com/
Scroll down and click on"Identify Recalled Battery" and enter the battery PPID (located onthe barcode sticker on the battery) and click on "Submit PPIDNumber(s)". If the battery is affected and need a replacement, you will beprompted to fill out the form "Order Replacement Battery" Please fillout the order form for completing your request for Batteryrecall.

Dell will also provide a meansfor you to return the affected battery packs for proper disposal.

However, if your battery does notqualify for replacement, you will get the message "No need forreplacement" next to the PPID number entered.

Alternatively, you can contactthe dedicated phone support at: 866-342-0011, Monday - Friday, 7:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m.CST and Saturday- Sunday, 9:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m. CST.

Also, if the battery is affected,please remove the battery from the notebook. Batteries subject to recall shouldnot be used while awaiting a replacement battery pack from Dell. You maycontinue to use your notebook computer using the AC adapter power cordoriginally provided with your notebook.

To get the support assistancecontact information in other countries, please visit the following URL:

https://www.dellbatteryprogram.com/regionalSupport.aspx

I am sure this resolves the issueto your complete satisfaction.

If your issue is urgent andrequires immediate assistance, please utilize our 24 hour phone support at800-822-8965.


Thank you for contacting DellWarranty Support.


Respectfully,

Maxwell

Dell Rep # DF8183

Dell Warranty Support

http://support.dell.com

Dear Bonehead:

Stop eating paste and actuallyread my e-mail rather than sending me canned crap.

Your website does not work. Yourphone support does not work. Your e-mail support consists of special peoplelike Umesh who think that batteries are consumable. It is obvious that he hasconsumed several.

I tried doing all the stuff youjust told me to do. It did not work. Send me a non-exploding battery, or thecontact information for someone who can.

Read the e-mail chain.

Up yours truly,

M


Dear Mr. S,

Thank you again for contactingDell Warranty Support.

Mr. S, I would have loved todispatch you a replacement Battery underRecall Program, however as per Dell policy, we are not authorize for the same,therefore I am unable to set it up.
I would request you toplease contact the Recall Queue at: 866-342-0011, Monday - Friday, 7:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m.CST and Saturday- Sunday, 9:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m. CST.

Secondly, if still you are unableto process the request further, then Please contact Customer Service at800-456-3355 ext 72-68938 or you can fill up the form given below and they willget back to you.

http://support.dell.com/support/emailcustomercare/index.aspx?c=us&chat=no&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs

If your issue is urgent andrequires immediate assistance, please utilize our 24 hour phone support at800-822-8965. For assistance with a Dell branded peripheral, please call877-459-7298.

Thank you for contacting DellWarranty Support.

Respectfully,

Maxwell

Dell Rep # DF8183

Dell Warranty Support

http://support.dell.com

Was it good for you Maxwell?


Thanks so much for your e-mail.In the unlikely event that what you said is true, and you are not authorized tosend me a battery, then this whole communication has been a giant waste oftime. I find that hard to believe. Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo. What areyou authorized to do, other than consume batteries? Do you have any specialpowers? Do you know Screech Powers? Do you like freedom fries? What color is anorange?

I understand that this is notyour goal, but you are annoying me (2.7 Umesh). If I did not know any better, Iwould think that your job is to annoy me enough to make me give up. However, Iknow better and don’t think that, I know it. This job must look really weird onyour resume – annoyed customers into submission, answered questions using combinationof magic 8-ball and fortune cookies, sucked in general. Please feel free to useme as a reference. I think I could be of great assistance. After all, what arecustomers for?

I think that perhaps the problem is that sometimes I have trouble understanding your e-mails because English ismy second language. I might do a better job of getting my point across to you in my first language, so here goes: Goo goo, ga ga ga goo goo goo wah wah googa ga.

Yahtzee,

M