11:02 AM

(2) Comments

Essential Ellison

Mister Nizz

This is crossposted from my BOOK BLOG.

bullet rocket

Did you just say HARLAN ELLISON?????


HARLAN ELLISON
In honor of my recent library sale purchase of ESSENTIAL ELLISON, a gigantic tome-like collection of almost every short story the celebrated author has ever written, I got to talking about him online with some other science fiction afficienados, and the inevitable "Obnoxious Harlan at Conventions" stories cropped up (I have one of these, which I refuse to share!).

The resulting witty badinage led to the following blatant ripoff of a SNL sketch, so with apologies both to SNL and Harlan, here's a left handed tribute to a very talented author.

DID YOU SAY HARLAN ELLISON?

Long term fans of Saturday Night Live will recognize the origin of this sketch easily.

SCENE: a typical airport watering hole. Several businessmen are clustered around the bar swapping stories. They all appear to be tipsy.

First Friend of Ellison: Harlan Ellison is a son of a bitch! Do you fellas know Harlan Ellison?

Second Friend of Ellison: Hell yeah, I know Harlan Ellison! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Ellison: He does! He's a hell of a science fiction writer!

Fourth Friend of Ellison: To Harlan Ellison! Again, Dangerous Visions is the best damned Sci Fi book ever!

Together: Harlan Ellison!!

Third Friend of Ellison: Did you know Harlan Ellison is the godfather of my son?

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Harlan Ellison?

First Friend of Ellison: He's a big fella!

Second Friend of Ellison: Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385.

Third Friend of Ellison: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Harlan Ellison pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"

Fourth Friend of Ellison: And your son is blind to this day!

First Friend of Ellison: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?

Third Friend of Ellison: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Harlan Ellison!

Together: Harlan Ellison!!

Second Friend of Ellison: Did I ever tell you about the time Harlan Ellison sold me into slavery?

First Friend of Ellison: Well, if you're talking about Harlan Ellison, I believe it!

Second Friend of Ellison: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Ellison, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First Friend of Ellison: I hate Harlan Ellison.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Harlan Ellison? I know Harlan Ellison!

First Friend of Ellison: Then let me buy you a round!

Third Friend of Ellison: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Harlan Ellison!

Together: Harlan Ellison!!

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Did I ever tell you about the time Harlan Ellison showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.

First Friend of Ellison: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Well, Ellison shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.

Third Friend of Ellison: Goes about 7'8", 530.

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Ellison! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Ellison!
[ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!

Second Friend of Ellison: Best damn science fiction writer! in the universe!

Together: Harlan Ellison!!

Third Friend of Ellison: You know how Ellison served three tours in 'Nam?

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Uh-huh!

Third Friend of Ellison: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Ellison!

First Friend of Ellison: To Harlan Jay Ellison!

Second Friend of Ellison: Oh, yeah!

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Hey, you ever go camping with Ellison?

Third Friend of Ellison: Many times.

First Friend of Ellison: I went to WORLDCON with Ellison, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third Friend of Ellison: Debbie Ellison?

First Friend of Ellison: Debbie Ellison. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the Con Suite with Harlan Ellison and an annoying fan! Well, Ellison, he grabs the fan by the ears, looks at it and says, "I'm Harlan Ellison! Say it!" Then he squeezes the fan in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "HarlanEllison!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a fan!

Third Friend of Ellison: That's Harlan Ellison!


Together: Harlan Ellison!!

Fourth Friend of Ellison: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First Friend of Ellison: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.

Fourth Friend of Ellison: Harlan Ellison once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!


Second Friend of Ellison: I have that tape!


Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third Friend of Ellison: To Harlan Ellison! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Harlan Ellison!!