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A tribute to Man-Mountain

Mister Nizz


Gary Christiansen facts

Gary Christiansen once stomped someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Gary Christiansen' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Gary Christiansen is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Gary Christiansen out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Gary Christiansen, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Gary Christiansen has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Gary Christiansen what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he steps on your face.

Gary Christiansen drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Gary Christiansen sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Gary has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Gary Christiansen's fist.

Gary Christiansen invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Gary Christiansen can win a game of SPI's Campaign in North Africa in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Gary Christiansen allows to live.

Gary Christiansen once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Gary Christiansen' victims before they died? His shoe.

Gary Christiansen is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Gary Christiansen as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Gary Christiansen doesn't churn butter. He steps on the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Gary Christiansen doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Gary Christiansen and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Gary Christiansen will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

If you eliminate the character Gary is playing in the BANG! card game, you automatically win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Gary Christiansen originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a face stomping. When asked bout this "glitch," Christiansen replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Gary Christiansen once and he will stomp on your face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Gary Christiansen played in second grade.

Gary Christiansen once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Gary Christiansen once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Gary Christiansen re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Gary Christiansen has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Gary Christiansen that intense stompings aren't the best way to squash someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Gary Christiansen is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Gary Christiansen.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Gary Christiansen's warm-up exercises.

Gary Christiansen is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will stomp on your face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Gary Christiansen turned that wine into beer.

Gary Christiansen can stomp on you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Gary Christiansen.

Gary Christiansen discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Gary Christiansen is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Gary Christiansen stomped him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Gary Christiansen doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Gary Christiansen military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Gary Christiansen could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Gary Christiansen could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Gary Christiansen walks.

Gary Christiansen does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Gary gave them a boot to the face.

When Gary goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Gary Christiansen has breathed on.

Gary Christiansen once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Gary won by 5.

When Gary is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Gary does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Gary because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Gary’s autobiography.

Gary is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Gary Halloween costume he was wearing.

(A tip of the Chapeau to Matt Foster for some of these.. and for the record, the real Gary is actually a supremely nice & gentle individual who would never hurt anyone that I know of.. he earns the sobriquet of "Man-Mountain" for his great size (6'7"?) and sheer intimidation factor.. this is just a bit of leg-pulling that plays on that.)