It's TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, matey!

Garrrr, I clear forgot that'un.

Mister Nizz, your pirate name is
Arthur Treacher Yellow Eye

What is YOUR pirate name?



Bugger me wi' a marlinspike and splice the mainbrace!!!'

From the website, it's Cap'n Slappy's advice to the lovelorn

(copyright, Talk like a pirate Day)

Advice to the Lovelorn
Dear Cap'n Slappy,

OK, so I know all about the biology. I understand about vascular constriction and lubrication and sensitivity and all that stuff. I've had the sex ed classes and understand the mechanics. There's just one question I still haven't figured out.

How do you convince her?

- Lonely swabbie

Dear Lone Swabbie,

Have we ruled out your obvious hygiene deficits? If so, there are some simple rules to follow when you are wooing a wench.

Rule #1 Never appear to be "needy." Wenches will have no respect for a pirate who begs for it. Present an aloof (but fresh smelling) air. Give her the impression that you could do without her or her kind. As a show of your aloofness, kiss a fancy lad full on the mouth and let her see you do it. Nothing screams "come-hither" like the woman who thinks ye may fancy the lads a bit too much.

Rule #2 Get in touch with the comic inside you. Wenches love to laugh. Try walking into the mizzenmast while looking another direction or slipping in chum spillage. Humor is the best knicker-removal system known to man. With the right joke or anecdote, you will have her bloomers under your bunk in no time.

Rule #3 Above all, act like you've been thar before. This is not something you learn in one of them fancy schmancy "books" with the charcoal drawings. (Although, the books are more easily put away when you are done with them.) Experience is not so nearly important as the "appearance of experience."

But first things first. Get that bath! (And would a couple of Botox injections kill you?)

- Cap'n Slappy


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O Cap'n!

I once loved a pirate wench. She was a beauty. But our parents came between us. They both wanted us to tie the knot, or splice the mainbrace or something like that, and of course that meant we never wanted to see each other again. She sailed on, and is not an unprobably beautiful and happy wench while I am stuck in dry dock wondering. O Cap'n My Cap'n, whatever become of that buxom beauty?

How do I stop thinking of her, or is that impossible?

Red Willy

My Dear Ruddy Willy,

Your parents were right! She is a saucy wench and you are a man of the sea. Sure, you're dry-docked...as well you should stay. But to stop thinking of her, do like the Cap'n does...drink heavily, sing sad songs at the night sky and play darts. Darts, lad, be the cure for love gone wrong...or just plain gone. But don't forget to drink! It will help with the singin' and make you think you're a better darts shooter than you are.

By the way, your parents have moved on without you, too. Have a nice day.

- Cap'n Slappy


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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Do girls like me?

- James

Awwwwe, Sweet Baby James!

Yes, the girls like you! They like you because you are "non-threatening" and "just like a brother to them" and "not just interested in 'one thing' like all those cute hunky boys we can't get our minds and eyes and tongues off of." You are VERY popular with the girls. They see you as just "one of them," without being "the competition."

Get used to many, many lonely years ahead, Jimmy.

- Cap'n Slappy


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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Why don't boys like meeee???

- Shelly 'Mike' Rotch-Hertz

Ahoy, "Mike?"

Most people don't know this but Cap'n Slappy has a crack team of investigators who look into these kinds of questions. They did extensive research on you, "Mike" and found that there may be one or two clues as to "why boys don't like youuuuuuu!"

Clue #1 You seem to have a "dude's" nickname. While many would find that alluring and attractive, it seems the boys you are seeking are not among them.

Clue #2 Our scientific research has found that males do not typically find themselves attracted to what appears to be a "whiney" quality to your voice. Perhaps if you tried ending the last word of your sentence, "Why don't boys like meeee???" with the more-traditional, less whiney single "e" or even the slightly agitated double "e" rather than a quadruple "e" accompanied by a battalion of question marks, you might achieve a more confident and less desperate voice. (In a related study, it was found that women can actually smell desperation on men. Scientists believe this is part of "natural selection" and should not be tampered with.)

Now, Shelly-Mike, there are a couple of things to look at. My investigators also suggested the following for your consideration.

Shave that uni-brow.
Bathe, occasionally.
Stop calling your gentlemen-callers, "Porky" on the first dates.
Leave your puppet at home.
Do not suggest that your date look at another man's groin region by saying, "Check out THAT package!"
I hope this is helpful and that as some of these minor adjustments are made, you will find the happy and healthy relationship you seek. If not, you can always get some pirate drunk and chain him up in your basement.

- Cap'n Slappy


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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Is sex really that great?

- A goddess among wenches
Ahoy Me goddess!

This is one of those "Depends" answers. And when I say "Depends," I am not talking about the disposable undergarments designed absorb human waste material for unfortunate people who have lost control of their bowels. When I say "Depends," it means that under some conditions, sex IS really that great. But these conditions seem to differ between the genders.

Let me make some broad generalizations that I will state as scientific fact.

According to a scientific study ...

Women prefer sex when it is the expression of deep-felt affection between two people who have made a commitment to love each other.

Men like to have sex anytime, anywhere with anything.

Women view sex as a deep and sacred connection between themselves and their lover.

Nine out of ten men can't remember the woman's name WHILE they are having sex with them. Seven out of ten never even knew her name.

Women have some very specific ideals for the men they choose to take as lovers.

Men will have sex with a goat or a beach ball if they can't find a woman.

Many women hope that sex will be an avenue for deepening the long-term commitment between them and their lover.

Men like to have sex. Now, please.

Women like the first time they have sex with a man to be something special. They like flowers and candles and music that will lock the moment in their memory forever.

Men like the first time they have sex with a woman to be the first of many. If not with this person, then with someone who has the same type of equipment. If not, a goat will do.

So you see, me goddess, Science can tell us much about sex, but only you can decide if it is, in fact, "great."

- Cap'n Slappy


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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

How do you get over someone? I mean completely flush someone out of your nostalgia, and everything.

- A dumped booty

Ahoy, me sad little pirate!

Thar be an old pirate sayin': "Time Heals All Wounds." Well, perhaps not all wounds. I've been waitin' for me hand, me leg and me eye to heal but they just stay separated from me. But that's more of a "break off" than a "break up."

But while I may never grow back a hand, or a leg, or an eye, or me liver, ye may grow back a heart to replace the one that's been broken. The secret, if thar be one, is to go out and have fun! I know, it's hard to do that when yer all sad and such, but believe me, little pirate, as ye force yerself to go out and continue adventurin' ye'll find that the happiness in yer life didn't have a compass pointed toward someone else. It was always in ye!

So, pick yerself up. Put a maniacal smile on yer face. Slap some weasel grease to yer wounds. Grab a weapon and get back in the fight! (Metaphorically ... don't actually grab a weapon and start fighting people.) And remember ... everyday is a new adventure and the real treasure in life isn't buried, it's right thar in front of ye. It's the NEXT THING that happens.

... just a little "Uncle Slappy" advice ...

- Cap'n Slappy


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Dear Capn' Slappy ,

My wife has dun let me barnacles get tarnished, I've been doin alot of me own polishing lately. I sure could use a bit of advice to get the old mast rubbed by the old wench... I already told er how beaitiful she is and stuff like that.

- Disgruntled Pirate Hubby

Dear Disgruntled,

Ye'd like to get gruntled again, wouldn't ye? Tellin her she's beautiful is a fine thing and I am sure will earn ye barnacle buffin' points but ye may want to reconsider referrin to her as "the old wench." Now, "the" is a fine article and she'll have no complaint thar. "Wench" may be taken as offensive at first, but once she knows it's just a word for "woman" she may calm down. "Old" may be whar she declared the Mast Rubbin' Reduction Act of 2003. Instead of "old" try, "Saucy" or "Sassy" or "Steamin' hot Goddess o' love"...

Ye can do it! And until ye do, she won't.

Yours for Greater Gruntledness,

- Cap'n Slappy


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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

If a pirate likes a girl how should he tell her he likes that girl? And Where should a pirate bring a girl for his dates.?

- parrot eatin pete

Ahoy Parrot Eatin' Pete!

Put the bird down and let me have a few words with ye, lad. Don't tell a girl ye like her. Just like her and let yer actions speak fer themselves. Do or don't do, lad, but don't sit around prattlin' on about it.

As fer "datin'" ... Cap'n Slappy suggests the malt shop where the juke box be playin some o' that thar rock-n-roll what's got the kids up in a tizzy these days! Or perhaps ye would prefer an evening of bowling! Ye could take along your parents and siblings and make it a family date! Perhaps one o' them moving picture shows would be nice. And get the extra big popcorn!

Or, ye could just sit in the basement of yer parents' house, watchin' anime and makin' out like thar ain't no tomorrow.

Back when I was just Midshipman Slappy we used to go sit in a "courtin' parlor" and count roses in the wallpaper. Thems was the days.

- Cap'n Slappy


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Ahoy Cap'n Slappy,

I be having wench troubles. I'm involved in a triangle deadlier than the Bermuda. This particular wench is the perfect pirate pet. We plunder, loot, steal, murder, and sack are guts out. However, she's not my gf. She belongs to one of my mates (through certain circumstances I might add). Me and her are the best o'friends though. I don't know if I should tell her that I love her. I don't wanna skewer me friend, though. But I need to do something. Suggestions?

Captain Jack Sparrow

P.S. I think she actually likes me. Though I don't wanna push me luck. Cheers.

Aye! The classic "Best Friend's Girl" scenario!

Let's think this through for a moment. Let's say she DOES like ye and wants desperately to give ye a jolly good roisterin'! Then what do ye have? Ye've betrayed the friend and not just THAT friend, but all of "male-dom" from here to the ending of the world. Guys for decades to come will be able to smell fink about ye! Of course, ye will have the girl ... who after three or four months will be wondering if ye'll betray her too. Savvy, Jack? Or, ye'll wonder whenever she is plunderin' away with the few friends ye'll have left if she won't be "boardin' one of their vessels" if ye get me drift.

If ye have any respect fer yer mate, fer her or fer yerself, ye'll be a good friend to everyone and let things be. Karma is a harsh mistress, me lad!

Thar be approximately three and a half billion wenches on the planet. At least a dozen of them are "available" at any time.