The Fat Lady Sings!

For those of you who might read this but are not on Consimworld, I've run a long-running 'contest' over there called the CONSIMWORLD CAPTION CONTEST. The idea is to post a humorous picture, have the lads post pithy comments, a'la Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I judge the results. Surprisingly this thing has been very popular, and also quite time-consuming. So I vowed I would stop (at least take a breather to do other things for a while) at Caption 100. To make things more interesting, I've decided to give the Ultimate Winner (of the last FIVE captions, using the same scoring method I've used all along), a gift certificate to Bunker Hill Games for twenty bucks. Here are the final results for the picture posted above:

CONSIMWORLD CAPTION CONTEST FINALE
"What's old is new Again"

The Last! Caption Contest Sheet!

Entries for "What's old is new again!"

Ron Wuerth

"In cases of a rare 4 hour erection, try these attachments and get some spouse house work done."


Matt Foster

"Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait until lunchtime!"


Peter Stein

"You want to clean the house, you deal with Stanley. You want to be real happy, you deal with the Big Balboski."



Paul Barker U.K.

Cc Thanks for putting the games on eBay darling. My former games cupboard now makes a New Man like me feel so useful. …

Stanley's extensive playtesting sure put a smile on your face.


Peter Card

Tis done my heart, but what ocean will wash Duncan's blood away.
That clotted mess that reeks to high heaven and chokes my prayers.
Stained conscience stays my sleep, conscious of my sins. Stay my Lord, and let the stringent cleansing power
of Stanley's novel formula obliterate your sins
With lemon scented goodness. I think that after this
I'll ask the Banquo's round for dinner.



Shelly Crawford

Dave wondered who the hell Stanley was, and why his stuff was all over the house...

"Agnes, loins trembling, prayed that a Stanley-clean house would be just the thing to convince Jeffrey to winkle her possum..."



Joe Steadman

Here is where you can find all you will need for cleaning our home said Chuck to his new Stepford wife Suzie.

You hid the crack in here? How wicked of you honey…(evil laugh)

Honey, after you finish cleaning up can you get me some dessert and my slippers?

Sweetie, I told you this Stanley stuff was no better then the Kroger brand. How much did it cost us?

(in a alien language) Lt. Zeracknone, which container do I need to move to open the hatch to the XR-3000?

Doris, will you grab me that E-Z cleaner on the top shelf, it seems I got Billy’s blood and brain matter all over the carpet.

Natalie, which bottle has the chocolate in it? Remember, you told me to help you lose weight…

Phyllis ponders seven different ways to kill Robert in 10 seconds or less…

Honey, this is the last caption contest, we can start dressing and acting normal at last!



Our Man in Qatar (T.S. Wilde)

"Now that I've tidied the store for you, honey, how about a game of 'Hunt the Missing Counter?"

"Mmmmm... at least I've got one kind of cream Stanley doesn't have to offer - and it's your favourite flavour."

"With any luck, the Stanley range will include an antidote to the Stanley superglue you got mixed up with your shampoo...'

"Darling," wheedled Jim, "any chance you could get the Stanley perfumed grease out?"
"Oh no!," fumed Mrs Adams. "Don't tell me you've stuck a bottle of gin up your arse again!!"

"And in return for you buying me a full collection of ultra-rare Magic cards on Ebay, I've bought you the full collection of Stanley cleaning products! Isn't that wonderful?"
Jeanie smiled; she already had the number of a first-rate divorce lawyer.

Eric Grenier's Guide to Canadian Courtship Rituals is now available in a new edition, with full colour diagrams of those hard-to-do positions. Here we see figure 69: Le Frotteur.

"Oh my! Is that a new mop, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Behind the scenes of The Apprentice, things got a little hot'n'heavy when the candidates had to come up with a new ad campaign for Stanley's Cleaning Fluids.
"Stanley's fluids may be clean, but ours aren't!" confessed the flustered couple.
"You're both fired," replied Donald Trump.

Sally-Ann sneered at Quentin's gullibility: he didn't realise those 'mops' were actually wigs for disguise, and that the Stanley products were a cover for the fact that she was always 'popping out to get more Stanley' or 'needed more Stanley right now' or 'she wanted Stanley to get it out' (referring to nasty stains, naturally), or even 'could never get enough of Stanley's cream in the cupboard'.

"The Avalanche Press Foreplaytest team, hard at work."

"Newlywed and newly clean-shaven, Richard continued to woo his bride, unware of what his beloved Schatzi had wrought upon his collection of research papers and game-designs-in-waiting..."

"Honey," breathed Oliver, "there's just one more thing I'd like you to polish..."

"As the winners of Survivor: The Hamptons, Dominic and Octavia received a lifetime's supply of Stanley products."

"Now that your silly caption contests are over, darrrrling,' purred Mrs O'Hara, "I thought you could spend some quality time with me - so get your rubber gloves on and prepare to be worked hard!"

"Anywhere can be the location of a memorable intimate encounter - here the man enters his wife from behind, surprising her in a delightful manner just as she was about to begin a humdrum household chore. What better way of cementing one's marriage vows!"


Gary Christiansen

"Mr Moppet makes good."

"Fun cleaning up with Dick 'n Jane"

"Stanley lubricants, better than ever."

"On seeing how well stocked Jane is, Dick asks her to polish his woody."

"See, I told you it was all right for us to come out of the closet."

"Stanley enjoyed the attentions of all the maids since his business had taken off."

"Samantha had Darren completely fooled, he'd never figure out her little secret."

"Poisoning conspiracies never had it so good."

"If only the secret ingredient didn't wear off after 12 hours...."

"Tom and Jan took immediate comfort knowing Stanley had finally been rendered into his final resting place(s)."

"A moment later, Brad and Janet break into song, then head off for their honeymoon, get a flat tire, hike through the rain singing again about some light over at the Frankenstein place, just in time to catch the floor show at the palace."

"Thus the conspiracy of Pacific Rim began."

"Stanley household products, exclusive suppliers to the homes of evil geniuses and scheming villains everywhere."

"Stanley products have an odd effect on George and Gracie causing them to rearrange Fibber McGee's closet, but also bring on a sudden surge of the munchies. Fortunately, there is Stanley ice cream in Fibber's freezer."

"The impact on marital relations is the main reason Stanley makes shop tools today instead of household cleaning products."

"Evil, out of the closet and not just for time bandits any more."

"Even the Doctor was surprised to find Gracie Allen using a broom closet inside the Tardis."

"Mulder and Scully on their nights off. Scully in particular enjoys playing house."

"Him: I have this odd feeling we're being watched by some bizarre alien culture from afar.
Her: Don't worry honey, it's just a bunch of gamers who need to come up with ribald humor because they aren't getting any lately."

"Quick, let's go write orders for Dippy, I'm the French, you're the Germans. Together we can rule the closet!"



Mike Reed

"I'll show you 'Wax on, Wax off', you mysogynistic son-of-a-bitch!!!".

Karen was all smiles on the outside, but on the inside, she figured that her 're-training' of James would have to begin sooner rather than later...

He smiled, thinking that he got the little woman everything she would need to keep the house 'spic & span'...She smiled, realizing he had gotten her everything that she would need to get rid of the evidence...

Tom Wilde was just seconds away from finding out the hard way that American women weren't quite as servile as the gals from Qatar...


Jason Schmidt

"Mike was proud of what he had accomplished; an amazingly realistic sex-change operation on his little brother performed with only the tools available in his little home workshop."

"Svetlana choked back her tears and forced a smile; as a mail-order bride she knew she had to do whatever Mr. Coatney said, no matter how bad the cleaning products burned her."

"Nothing like a knife in her back to make sure the little lady knows her duties in the house, right guys?"

"Frankie and Tina scanned the small cleaning closet. Yes, this would do; it was the ideal place to hold the neighbor kids prisoner until the Beltane feast sacrifice."

"For one quiet moment, after a long day of cleaning, Bob and Karen pause to revel in their absolute Caucasian perfection."

"Lois Lane catches Clark in the cleaning closet again, only this time she finds out where the saying 'man of steel, woman of kleenex' comes from...."

"Luthor is very happy since Burnice has started using industrial products for that colonic irrigation every day."




Jim Adams

I'm gonna shove this toilet brush so far up your ass!

Donna knew she'd found the right man when her cleaning supplies gave him instant wood.

Well, honey, you have fun "cleaning the house," I'm gonna go across the street and blow George!

Wedded Bliss!

What can't be forgotten can be bleached out of existence!

Honey, I figured I'd get their whole line of products since you came home with lipstick on your boxers.

Need a cheap and thoughtless Anniversary Gift...look no further!

That peek-a-boo apron is very becoming, honey bunny. But I'm still not going to put floor cleaner on your ass.


Scoring: FIRST 4 Pts. SECOND 3 Pts. THIRD 2 Pts. HM 1 Pt.

First: Jason Schmidt for:

"Svetlana choked back her tears and forced a smile; as a mail-order bride she knew she had to do whatever Mr. Coatney said, no matter how bad the cleaning products burned her."

Second: Peter Card for:

"Tis done my heart, but what ocean will wash Duncan's blood away.
That clotted mess that reeks to high heaven and chokes my prayers.
Stained conscience stays my sleep, conscious of my sins. Stay my Lord, and let the stringent cleansing power
of Stanley's novel formula obliterate your sins
With lemon scented goodness. I think that after this
I'll ask the Banquo's round for dinner. "

Joe Steadman for

"Honey, this is the last caption contest, we can start dressing and acting normal at last!"


H.M.: T.S. Wilde for

"Anywhere can be the location of a memorable intimate encounter - here the man enters his wife from behind, surprising her in a delightful manner just as she was about to begin a humdrum household chore. What better way of cementing one's marriage vows!"

Scoring as per usual, adding to last round:

LAST ROUND: Gary C: 8 T.S.: 9 Jason: 7 Ian: 2 Jim: 1 Mike: 9 Gary P.: 1 Peter: 4

FINAL STANDING: Gary C: 8 T.S.: 10 Jason: 11 Ian: 2 Jim: 1 Mike: 9 Gary P.: 1 Peter: 7 Joe: 2

And the Winner and Champion...

JASON SCHMIDT!!

(by one point!)

Congratulations!

During the 100 caption run, there were some hilarious moments... I will try to dig through a few of them and post them here in the next few weeks.