12:33 PM
12:45 PM
My friend Joe Steadman (an actual cop) just turned me on to this little nugget: New SWAT Tactical Hand Signals. High-larious!
9:44 AM
From "the Unintentional Irony Dept"
"He's a bad boy, a very bad boy. He's probably even a naughty, bad, nasty boy."-Larry "The Toilet Stalker" Craig on Bill Clinton, 1999
6:02 PM
Click to expand picture
5:29 PM
... it's Bring me the Funny Friday, a few days early
One
and Two
Click to Enlarge either image
6:47 AM
3:13 PM
Go Ahead and Click it. You KNOW you want to...
The Victorian Era "Sex Cry Generator"
That Internet.. hee hee.. it's got everything!!
3:21 PM
You know the rest...
9:11 AM
It's ALMOST Friday, why not...
9:28 AM
12:18 PM
The Body of Christ...
Nervously glancing upward...
2:48 PM
Y have you forsaken me.. MCA!
It's subtle. Look again...
9:50 AM
Well, it's ALMOST Friday...
1:04 PM
Wait a second, it's bring me the Funny Friday!
From my ever expanding file of "So a guy walks into a bar, see..." jokes.
1. A guy walks into a bar, see, with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner."Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
2. Three guys are drinking in a bar, see, when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...."
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk again!"
3. A guy walks into a bar, see, with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
9:49 AM
Those Spartans, what madcaps! Who knew?
10:54 AM
As Dave Starry points out, My Kung Fu sucks..
4:34 PM
Early for BMTF Friday, but what the heck
A guy is driving down the street and sees a sign in a yard - Talking Dog for Sale, $10.
Intrigued, he parks, walks up to the house, and knocks on the door. An older man answers, and our guys says, "I'm here about the talking dog."
The old man says, "He's around back, follow me."
They go around back and find a pretty nondescript mutt, maybe a labrador/spaniel mix, getting on in years. The owner prompts, "Ask him anything you want."
Feeling a little foolish, our guys says, "So, you can really talk, huh? Tell me about yourself."
The dog perks up and replies, "Glad to! I had a more or less normal puppyhood, until one day I asked my owner to take me out for a walk. She nearly fainted and then called the FBI - the X-Files were big back then. The government took a real interest and decided I might be useful to the CIA. So, they sent me to Monterey to learn a couple languages and then started airdropping me into hostile nations to gather intelligence.
"I have to admit, it was pretty exciting stuff, and I found myself in a bit of hot water more than once. After a while, though, it got to be too much - it's a young dog's game and there was a pretty close call in North Korea that I'd rather not talk about. So, they brought me back to the States and I was assigned to the DEA to do undercover narcotics work in South and Central America. Again, fun work, though I picked up a habit that took a few years to break.
"Once more, I sort of outlived the job, and they brought me up to McLean. The plan was to see if they could replicate my special talents in a breeding program. Brother, I was up to my eyeballs in bitches. No complaints about that job, nosiree. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm a one-off - lots of beautiful pups but nothing more than a bark coming out of any of them. After five years, the government gave up and just tossed me in with an auction of surplus office equipment. That's how I ended up here."
"Wow," says our guy, "that's amazing!" Turning to the old man, he adds, "I gotta ask - why only ten dollars?"
The old guy, disgusted, replies, "Because he's a f***ing liar! He never did any of that s**t!"
1:48 PM
Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list.
David Addison: That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose.
Security Officer: A mole on his nose?
Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose.
Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes?
Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes?
David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose?
Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows?
David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.
Maddie Hayes: How do you do that?
David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.
Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you - put my foot in your face.
A tip of the chapeau to Mike Reed for posting that.. Happy Birthday, Ted! (Geisel, aka Dr. S)
12:43 PM
And now for the funny
In response to the recent news item about RAT INFESTATIONS AT KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AND TACO BELL, FreakingNews.com held a contest for illustrations that fit the story. The winner was JennaH's Under New Management:
NEW YORK -- The parent company of KFC and Taco Bell _ still smarting from last year's E. coli scare _ has been forced back into damage-control mode after television cameras caught rats scampering around a restaurant floor.
As health inpsectors descended on a KFC and Taco Bell eatery in Manhattan's Greenwich Village on Friday, Yum Brands Inc. hastened to show that it also was taking the rodents seriously.
"Nothing is more important to us than the health and safety of our customers. This is completely unacceptable and is an absolute violation of our high standards," Yum Brands said in a statement.
The franchise owner "is actively addressing this issue," the statement said, adding that the restaurant will remain closed until the problem is "completely resolved."
4:50 PM
And now, for the funny...
(click to Enlarge)
Attribution: Wondermark is copright 2007 David Malki see http://www.wondermark.com
