From "the Unintentional Irony Dept"

Help a Bruthah Out

Pulp Captions 15 Results

An Extremely Quirky cover from PHANTOM DETECTIVE (June 42 issue) provided fodder for the current Caption Contest.

Note: I realize (now) I didn't post this on the tail end of Round 14's contest. Sorry!

Dave Fox - Claudia had only a split-second to react. "If I dash out of the room right now, nobody will know that it was me who farted !"


Peter Stein - Trevor had forgotten what happened if you got downwind when Claudia was wearing Shania Twain's perfume. *** FIRST PRIZE ***


Gary Christiansen - "Real good guys wear bow-ties, see, the man here is obviously a villain."


"While entertaining thoughts of wearing a mask and bow-tie during such events, Jack Kevorkian makes an early effort at assisted suicide by scaring his patient/victim into self asphyxiation."


Todd Goff - To bashful to chase the girl and to frightened to face the stranger with the gun, Emile brings new meaning to the phrase "choke the chicken".


Peter Card - Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Man? The shade of Dr Christian Barnard! Justice is just a heartbeat away.


Paul Wegner - "AAGH! GACK! The dreaded bukakke gun!" *** THIRD PRIZE ***


Jason Schmidt - "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Karen Spurny - Zorro was a master of disguises, but that Playtex living bra was just too much. *** SECOND PRIZE ***

Next Week:

This group, and all you wonderful people, was the result of a practical joke at about 9am on a normal monday morning in sunny Adelaide, Australia. I am web developer with a web company (Good Dog Design), and as usual we were kicking around the idea of how to leverage Facebook for our clients. I had just seen the "If 100,000 people join I'll name my kid Spider-man" group, so we figured it would be fun to see what could happen with a similar, yet more ridiculous group. You know the rest. Yes. This is a parody.

At first, it was just us, then our friends, and then the world. It was interesting to see the viral growth rate before and after the minor media attention, and it was an interesting investigation into the growth and expansion of internet memes. I however am no Numa Numa or Chocolate Rain.

This was never more than a couple of bored geeks kicking around an idea. We hope you had fun, and a laugh, we really didn't mean to offend anyone and we hope you aren't too disappointed in the truth.

The ThinkGeek Chain Mail T-Shirt

The ThinkGeek Chain Mail T-Shirt is honest-to-goodness real metal chain mail hand forged by dwarfs in forbidden mines near the center of the earth and delivered to the ThinkGeek warehouse by shrieking black apparitions in the dead of night. Its bright shine and relatively light-weight comes from its galvanized aluminum construction. It's appropriate protective wear for most occasions including office meetings and parties you would rather not have attended.

Important Note:
The ThinkGeek Chain Mail T-Shirt is real chain mail, made from thousands of galvanized aluminum rings. This makes the shirt fairly light (for chain mail) at around 20 pounds. But keep in mind that the aluminum rings can be bent and come uncoupled if you don't take care with the garment. We have included a small bag of extra rings that you can easily bend into place with needle nose pliers if any repairs are needed.

Tips on Wearing Your New Chain Mail:
In case you weren't aware, chain mail does not stretch. You cannot put it on one arm at a time like a fabric shirt. Instead lay the chain mail flat on the ground, bend over and thrust both arms into the bottom of the shirt. Work your hands through to the end of the sleeves and then begin to stand-up. Get your head through the neck hole and let the chain mail slide down your body. If you have long hair, make sure to tie up your hair before you wear the chain mail. Otherwise it could get tangled in your hair. You might feel a bit claustrophobic when first wearing the chain mail... but don't worry you won't get stuck. PLEASE wear a shirt or some other garment underneath the chain mail. The edges of the rings where they are joined together are a bit rough and can scratch you.

Happy Birthday, HPL!

It's Lovecraft's birthday today. To be dreadfully honest, HPL was not the worlds' most gifted writer. His prose was turgid at times and prolix in a fashion that surprised even other hack writers who were being paid a penny a word. Probably made 'em all green with envy, too.

With that said, there's something about HPL. The man conveyed dread.. absolute, chin-quavering, what the hell is behind that crypt door DREAD. He was a master at describing emotions. And his ideas.. the sheer scope of them!.. I know of few writers in horror (and the borders of SF) that could occupy that space in their minds.

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birth-day to yewwwww
Your'e squamous and eldritch,
and tentacl-y tooo!

CAPTION CONTEST 14

Good old ARGOSY! 7 July 34 issue yielded this nugget...

David Fox - "Rodger MacGowan tries out the models for the EMPIRE OF THE SUN boxcover. Sadly, for most of them it was a one-shot gig." *** THIRD PLACE ***


Jason Schmidt - "Only 1 billion, 389 million, 272 thousand, seven hundred and thirteen to go!" *** FIRST PLACE ***


"Crack PETA agent Nick Humane enacts bloody vengeance for tainted Chinese gluten in America's dog food supply."


Bill Ramsay - "Teaches you for bringing a knife to a gun fight"


Gary Christiansen - "Bill Ramsay does his impression of Indiana Jones."


"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? *BLAM!* Oops. I guess you're not lucky punk."


"You'd think these Monks would tell us what they were mad about before they attack gun wielding westerners with swords."


Mike Reed - "NEXT!" *** SECOND PLACE ***


Taylor just kept blasting away...He remembered the old saying, 'With 6, you get Eggroll'...and he hadn't eaten for a week.


Karen Spurny - "For the last time, I don't want your Amway products!"


Peter Card - "Daisy reloaded while Jimmy plugged away at the black-robed horde. He had never felt more alive, and with each shot a hot surge of triumph coursed through him. Without turning he sang out to his soulmate "Tell me why! Tell me why! I hate monks Daise"

My Secret is Out...

A Crowd Favorite Returns

I ran a scenario I called "Hell Comes to Frogtown" (name borrowed from the excellent Rowdy Roddy Piper cheese flick from the 80s) last year at camp. It was an amusing swirl of Sharpshooters, the Undead, Prussians, Killer Robots, Cattle Stampedes and what have you. At this year's camp, I had planned on running a Tavern Brawl game (54mm, using the All for One cinematic swashbuckling rules) instead, but there were many requests to run this game again from the lads who were at camp last year. I had no problem recreating the scenario as many of the figures were still secure in their boxes from last year.

The Dramatis Personae had not changed from last time, and aside from some terrain pieces being added to avoid easy long distance shots, the layout was similar to last year's game, if somewhat more spread out.

The Rules are THE RULES WITH NO NAME, a simple (free) skirmish rule set set in the Wild West, and one that I have had some association with since 1997. This scenario would be scaled just a little bit up from man to man skirmishing, and likely would have been better run in GASLIGHT, but the lads like the "Big Bucket of Six Siders" approach to Game Design, and I have so much stuff for TRWNN it was easy to run and warmly received.

Since Hell Comes to Frogtown, Texas was really a small unit skirmish game, I created factions and had the leader be a shootist and the rest of the faction were "schnooks" or gunmen. Movement of the squad keyed off the leader and it went very smoothly. For more details on how to adapt TRWNN to squad level, see the AAR Post I put up last year, which explains group movment and a few VSF concepts, like programming HERMAN THE GERMAN ROBOT.

The scenario is essentially a hodgepodge of straight TRWNN, with a dash of SCARY MONSTERS OF THE GOLDEN WEST thrown in, and a dash of GASLIGHT. Like the long ago HELL COMES TO COW TOWN, the scenario pits factions with different victory goals against each other and assigns the winner to the faction that achieves their goals best.

SETTING: The town of Frogtown, Texas.. a major transhipment point for Coal Gas.

SCENARIO PLAYERS:

Prussian Squads A, B, and C: 1 Shootist and 6-7 Gunmen. Shootists=Leaders. A Detachment of Prussian Soldiers sent to secure the town from the Texans and capture the transhipment point for Coal Gas.

Doktor D'eth and Herman the German Robot: Mad Inventor and Clockwork Programmable robot.

Ah Pook the Destroyer (three gangs of zombies-- western style). Zombies are essentially brainless gunmen who blaze away until they unload, then close in for melee and munching.

Texas Rangers: Here to defend the bank (1 Shootist, 6 Gunmen)

U.S. Cavalry Scout Squadron: (1 Shootist, 6 Gunmen)..here to "observe" a gang of Mexican bandits they have been chasing. Note in this world, Texas is a Republic, the US is still fighting the Civil War, and the U.S. Cavalry has no jurisdiction in this town. Not that it matters.

United States Sharpshooters (all shootist, 1 leader). An elite gang of spies/saboteurs/agents of the United States Government. Crack shots that can snipe from afar. They are here to observe and foil the efforts of the Prussian Detachments sent to secure the town, whether the government of Texas objects or not.

Cappy's Mercenary Rocketboys (1 Shootist, the rest gunmen). A group of rocket assisted infantry who had been serving as mercenaries for the Texas Government until the great collapse. They haven't been paid. They are upset, and looking for work.

Local Cowboys Out For Trouble (1 Shootist, rest gunmen).

Thomas (my energetic TA) loves this game and since he is now an old hand at TRWNN, I kind of eased back on the tiller once the game got started and let him run things. He kept a rather detailed list of what transpired, which is given below. I so rarely have an AAR of such clarity, I thought it would be fun to post this.

Hell comes to Frog Town. Courtesy of Thomas (and thank you).

Turn 1-

Zombies shamble towards bandits, use gunmans’ action to engage Banditos and kill one.

Banditos promptly flee in terror towards the barn where the Cowboys are hiding.

The Flyboys blast off towards Dr. D’eth and hash out an a deal of mutual protection..

The Texas Rangers shoot at the Flyboys but do nothing.

The US cavalry scout mission sits in its’ barn.

Same for Cowboys.

Prussian squads A & C advance, C towards the mansion where the USSSS is skulking, A to cover the center of town.. Squad B aims, and the combined fire of the squads kills one of the two USSSS members perched on the roof of the governors’ mansion and knocks two others down.

Herman the German Robot Tramples his way around a large square, and ends precariously close to a table edge.

Turn 2

As the Bandits cower in terror, the Cowboys wander towards the USS mansion.

The Cavalry Aim at the encroaching Prussian squad C.

The USSS wounded stand up, move inside, and a member of Prussian Squad A is knocked out and seriously wounded.

Herman Tromps along the board edge as Dr. D’eth runs after, waiting with new instructions for turn 3.

PSC moves towards the USS, determined to drive them off the building.

PSA fires to no effect at the USS.

The Rocket Boys, with their gunman action, blast onto the roof of the Mansion from some 36 inches away. However, they are unable to do anything.

The Cowboys run towards the Mansion to aid the USS. They are followed by the Banditos.

The Zombies shuffle forward along the outskirts of town.

The Rangers, having emptied all their rifles, stand and reload.

Turn 3

PSC continues to march towards the building containing the USS.

PSB once again fired at the USS, knocking one down.

PSA stood and Aimed at the Cavalry.

The Cavalry kill one of PSC.

The Cowboys rush into the lower floor of the Mansion.

The Banditos stand inside the Tavern to blaze away at the flyboys, but nothing happens.

The Zombies continue to shuffle.

The Flyboys jumped down and engaged the cowboys to a stand-still.

The USS kill another of PSC, as well as one of the Flyboys.

Herman marches towards the bank, but breaks down.

Turn 4

Herman the German...Robot spends a turn still as Dr. D’eth repairs him.

The Rangers leap down from the bank and prepare to fire on Dr. Death.

The flyboys jump back to the roof to avoid the zombies.

PSC hides along the building to avoid more fire from the Cavalry. They shoot the USSSS and knock a man down.

The USS kill a member of PSB.

The Zombies use a gunman action to move in for the kill.

The Banditos hold in place.

The Cowboys hold in place.

The Cavalry run out towards PSA.

Turn 5

Unluckily, the Rangers kill Dr. D’eth after he repairs Herman. Herman marches forwards and kills 4 of the 6 rangers and crushes a small hut.

The Rangers flee in terror.

The Flyboys blast ineffectually at the Banditos.

The Zombies charge PSC and devour two of them.

The Cavalry run across the street towards PSA.

PSB reloads, owing to Byrons’ roll of 11 ones out of 36 dice. (The Blazing Away UNLOAD rule happens when you roll more 1s than 6s on your to hit dice).

The USS shoots at a member of PSA and kills him.

The Cowboys hold in place.

Turn 6

The Zombies continue to fight with PSC.

The Cavalry shoot at PSA and kill one.

PSA charges the Cavalry and kill three!

The Flyboys attempt to shoot a cow and start a stampede. Sadly, they kill it before it can tear down a fence.

The USS shoots at the zombies but does nothing.

The Banditos run towards the bank to complete their mission.

Herman tears through the Bank and rips both roofs off.

The Rangers walk towards the melee in the Mansion.

Turn 7

The Zombies finish off PSC and charge the fight between the Cavalry and PSA.

PSA sacrifices their Shootist Action Card in order to flee.

The Cavalry lose a man to the Zombies but also flee.

The Zombies play a gunman action and catch and kill the PSA.

PSB shoots at one of the Zombie Controllers and knocks him out, but he awakens with a roll of a six.

The USS kill a Controller of the Zombies.

The Flyboys shoot at another cow, but kill that one too.

The Cowboys and Flyboys declare a truce and the Cowboys run to the roof of the Mansion.

Herman Tears down the Stables, then marches into a fence and is destroyed by a stampede of horses.

The Banditos shoot and kill a ranger.

The Last Ranger charges the Banditos but fails to kill them.

Turn 8

The Cavalry fight the Zombies. When the smoke clears, a zombie is dead, but only the “.22" McGee survives the carnage.

The Zombies are unable to beat “.22" McGee.

The USS kill the Shootist level character (leader) of Prussian Squad B.

The Flyboys fly down to the fence. They open the gate, and instantly lose four men as bulls trample them.

PSB does nothing.

The Cowboys shoot and wound the sole remaining Zombie Controller.

The Banditos lose one man to the Ranger, but then kill him.

Turn 9

The Zombies kill “.22.” McGee, then blast a Cowboy off the roof with their pistols.

The USS kills the remaining controller, and the Zombies turn on Iggy the Hunchback. Iggy actually kills one in hand-to-hand.

The Bandits run towards the bank.

The Flyboys fight the bulls, fail to wound any, and lose a man to the raging bulls. Only their Shootist level Leader remains.

PSB kills a zombie with rifle fire.

The Cowboys shoot at the Zombies to no effect.

The stampede takes a freak turn, crushes the Zombies and poor Iggy, then kills 4 of the 5 Banditos.

Turn 10

The last Flyboy escapes the Cows.

The last Bandit, Antonio Smyth, runs into the bank ahead of the cows.

PSB, down to three members, retreats away from the Mansion.

The USS congratulate themselves on a job well done!


Victory for the Bandits, as they were the only ones to complete an objective.

Total Body Count- 47 of 63 dead.

Once Again, A Slideshow, this time in context:

Cool Slideshows!

Retreats Succesful, Builds Recorded

Results for Fall, 1902 (Retreat)



Going into BUILD TURN:

Austria:

Supply centers were gained. Units that may be built: 1.

England:

England: A hol -> bel (Succesful Retreat to BEL)

France:

No Change

Germany:

Supply centers were gained. Units that may be built: 1.

Italy:

Supply centers were gained. Units that may be built: 1.

Russia:

No Change

Turkey:

Turkey: F bla -> ank (Succesful Retreat to ANK)

BUILDS:

Austria: A Bud
Germany: A Ber
Italy: A Ven

Builds on Map Graphic:

Map at End of Turn, Going Into Spring of 1903:

Return to Lilliput

Cool Slideshows!

Warping young minds, that's where...

Cool Slideshows!

Slippery meat in king's vegetables in Pillar

Slaves of the Elephant God

Here's a short, incomplete and confused version of what happened. I am hoping that Walt, Nigel and Bruce can add their own impressions, as I know bugger all about what they were doing ---

It's been a tradition since 2002 (I think) that a group of us-- myself plus a varying cast of Table Directors, of whom Bruce Pettipas, Nigel Clarke and Walt O'Hara have been present at most-- to run a pulp mega-game at Historicon. The set up has been four tables, each showing a different location, running at the same time. These serve for the first two scenes (possibly with a bit of moving scenery between scenes). The director is free to run his table any way he sees fit, and with any changes or omissions to the rules he likes. In fact, I don't think Walt knows the rules. 1 It doesn't matter at all. Each scene lasts 30-45 minutes, so it has to be run at lightning speed, and turn sequence is often ignored by players shouting, pushing in, and doing whatever they like whenever they like. Indeed, I take the chairs away, so nobody can sit and relax during "the take".

At the end of each scene, the director recounts to all what has happened at his table. Then we resume, some players going to different tables (because they have a plane, or, like Wooster, they are lost), some continuing where they are.

Bruce took the marketplace at Chunderpore, since I'd just built the city for him (cash was involved). Things blew up, elephants ran amok, and Kimball O'Hara's 2 intelligence agents hunted cultists and vice versa. Was Fu Manchu there? I don't know.

Nigel is an old jungle hand, so he took a rain forest (where? Malaya? Burma? Burbank?) location. There were local caveman-type aboriginals, a crashed plane and a zombie Amelia Earhart (Nigel just made her up on the spot), and a jungle lord character called, er, Tarzam. Most of the loud fun I heard was the interaction between legendary film-maker Erich Von Schnitzel (Hoochie Coochie Girls of 1935) and his star, the always glamorous Roxy Smothers, filming an "art film" called Naked She-Devil: Temptress of the South Seas. There were lots of shower scenes involved this pair are largely responsible for bringing in the Hayes Code. Nayland Smith of the Burma police was there as well, and possibly LA PI Phillip Marlowe, in trench coat and parked car. And Biggles flew in, because he likes to land his plane in dense jungle.

Walt's scene involved a lamasery in Tibet. It was loud, and Fu Manchu was definitely present. Indiana Jones, as well. I don't know what happened. Walt's GMing philosophy is to get caffeinated and make things up at 100 mph. He's a genius, actually. 3

There were several sets of Nazis, as is so often the case. I don't know where they were, mostly. 4

My own scene was on the North-west frontier, where King of the Khyber Rifles, now a Colonel , was played by the same gamer who had portrayed him as a young subaltern the night before in my "Science versus Pluck" game. He came up the same valley to face his old adversary Mahmud Khan, and knocked in the door of the Pathan's tower just as he had in 1897. They joined forces, however, to face the Nazi menace, and drove off the Hun with excellent shooting and sharp steel. Jeeves and Wooster asked directions, and found there was no BP station anywhere in the vicinity. 5

Okay, so if I'd listened more carefully, I'd know what happened in everyone else's scene.

In my second scene the Khyber Rifles and those damned Jerries (now reinforced by Zeppelintruppen) went with Mahmud Khan (not a bad chap for a lifelong enemy) to a frontier hillfort where evil, ungodly goings on were offending the decency of the Pathan tribes. A lot of people knew of it, since Phil Marlowe was parked outside, inconspicuous in his 1932 Ford (I can't find a model for a Plymouth). Well, not as inconspicuous as in LA, but there ya go. I think Roxy Smothers must have had a beef with him, since she immediately ran her Rolls Royce into his parked car. Von Schnitzel started filming. Soviet agents and Nazis began fighting, just because. Nayland Smith arrived in a van, with the eastern dancing girl Karamanieh strapped to the roof. Nobody seemed to think this was odd.

The tribesmen in the fort watched (some taking photos) as the crazy westerners chase done another about, and tried to commit vehicular homicide all over the place. However, the no-nonsense King rammed down the gates (as he seems to, a lot) and the Khyber Rifles stormed in. As did Nayland Smith and his pals, and those sneaky Soviets. But, when the bayoneting was finished and the Zeppelintruppen had rappelled (curses!) into the tower where the cultists weren't meeting (Ach Du Lieber! Too late again!) it was Zelda the script girl/US treasury agent who was able to drag the cult priest out. Using her chief weapon (her flat and tedious monotone voice) she forced him to tell of a great gathering at the island of Rikki-Tikki where .. under the belching volcano ... the cult would bring forth the great Elephant God himself, to wreak destruction (etc etc ... the usual stuff).

After a break (in which Hercule Poirot apparently became distracted by something shiny and forgot to come back, for which he later apologized) we had a grand finale under the volcano. All the cultists and Nazis (who had gone beyond a mere anthropological interest by this time) were arraigned at the base of the volcano, with a human sacrifice. A beautiful maiden? Well, no. It was Biggles, the ace British pilot. I have no idea what they were thinking (although, since there is no sex in the Biggles stories, who knows?) 6

Anyway, we ran this at even more breakneck speed than usual, with Nigel running one side of the board, Walt the other and myself taking the middle. People ran about and crashed things. Zeppelintruppen landed on the crater rim. There was fist-fighting up there, with Phil Marlowe. Miss Wonderley tried out for a screen role. The Khyber Rifles shot holes in the zeppelin (imaginary, but hovering over the volcano. Roxy ran off in Biggles plane with Dr Petrie (Nayland Smith's cohort), giving her a chance to marry a doctor. Lots of cultists were killed. The volcano gave every sign of erupting (which gave warning to players to finish up now or die). Most of the players had the sense to escape as the volcano boomed and the Elephant God itself appeared.

End movie as heroes run for safety and the screen is covered in lava and smoke.

I always end the story by having the players tell what they were trying to do, and how it worked out for them. Mr Guttman (from The Maltese Falcon) reported that, although he was trapped on an island which must sink beneath the waves and cause a tsunami, he still felt there was an opportunity for profitable business here.

The Oscar went to young Michael, a regular these last three or four years, whose heroic portrayal of Short Round (bravely surviving a personal combat with Fu Manchu) was worthy of the award. 7

Hmmmm what have I wrought?

Switching to JDIP leads to more accurate resolution, better reports, uglier graphics

I have switched adjudication tools, from RealPolitik to the tool I should have started with, JDIP. I do this with some reluctance. I like the maps in RP better, however, JDIP just seems more accurate in general and has better turn results reports.

Results for Fall, 1902 (Movement)

Order Results:

Austria:
Austria: A boh Supports A tyr -> mun
Austria: A bul Holds
Austria: A gal -> vie
Austria: F gre -> aeg
Bounced with aeg (1 against 1).
Austria: A tri Holds

England:
England: A bel -> ruhEngland: F edi -> nth
Bounced with den (1 against 1).
England: A hol -> kie
Bounced with kie (1 against 1). Dislodged from ruh (2 against 1).
England: F nth -> hel
England: F nwy Supports F swe
Support failed. Move orders must be supported explicitly. (in other words, you have to be able to move INTO the area you are supporting on the same turn you support it.. Norway can't do that)

France:
France: A bur HoldsFrance: A mar Supports A bur
France: F mao Holds
France: A par Supports A bur
France: A spa -> gas

Germany:
The Army in Munich cannot retreat; unit destroyed.
Germany: F den -> nth
Bounced with edi (1 against 1).
Germany: A kie Supports A ruh -> holGermany: A mun -> ber
Bounced with sil (1 against 1). Dislodged from tyr (2 against 1).
Germany: A ruh -> hol

Italy:
Italy: F eas Convoys A tun -> syr
Italy: F ion Convoys A tun -> syr
Italy: A tun -> syr
Italy: A tyr -> mun

Russia:
Russia: F bot -> bal
Russia: F rum Supports F sev -> bla
Russia: F sev -> bla
Russia: A sil -> ber
Bounced with mun (1 against 1).
Russia: F swe -> den
Failed because Germany: F den -> nth failed.
Russia: A war -> pru

Turkey:
Turkey: F aeg -> gre
Bounced with gre (1 against 1).
Turkey: F bla Supports A con -> bul
Support cut by Move from Sevastopol. Dislodged from sev (2 against 1).
Turkey: A con -> bul
Bounced with bul (1 against 1).

There are two retreats to resolve in the upcoming RETREAT PHASE.

England, you are dislodged from Holland. Where do you wish to go? I will assume you want Belgium.

Turkey, you are dislodged from the Black Sea. Where do you wish to go? I will assume Ankara.

Please reply.

Nizz

MAP: End of game turn, slightly highlighting retreating units in yellow.

Fall 1902 Results

THE BALLOON GOES UP

The Following moves were recorded.

Austria:
A Bohemia Supports A Tyrolia - Munich
A Bulgaria Hold
A Galicia - Vienna
F Greece - Aegean Sea
A Trieste Hold

England:
A Belgium - Ruhr
F Edinburgh - North Sea
A Holland - Kiel
F North Sea - Helgoland Bight
F Norway Supports F Sweden - Denmark

France:
A Burgundy Hold
A Marseilles Supports A Burgundy Hold
F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Hold
A Paris Supports A Burgundy Hold
A Spain - Gascony

Germany:
F Denmark - North Sea
A Kiel Supports A Holland - Ruhr
A Munich - Berlin
A Ruhr - Holland

Italy:
F Eastern Mediterranean Convoys A Tunis - Syria
F Ionian Sea Convoys A Tunis - Eastern Mediterranean
A Tunis - Syria
A Tyrolia - Munich

Russia:
F Gulf of Bothnia - Baltic Sea
F Rumania Supports F Black Sea - Rumania
F Sevastopol - Black Sea
A Silesia - Berlin
F Sweden - Denmark
A Warsaw - Prussia

Turkey:
F Aegean Sea - Greece
F Black Sea Supports A Constantinople - Bulgaria
A Constantinople - Bulgaria

The resolution of the Orders Was like so:

Austria:
A Bohemia Supports A Tyrolia - Munich (Italy moves into Munich)
A Bulgaria Hold
A Galicia - Vienna
F Greece - Aegean Sea (*Fails*) (bounces against Turkish Fleet)
A Trieste Hold

England:
A Belgium - Ruhr (*Fails*)
F Edinburgh - North Sea (*Bounce*)
A Holland - Kiel (*Fails*)
F North Sea - Helgoland Bight
F Norway Supports F Sweden - Denmark (*Fails*)

France:
A Burgundy Hold
A Marseilles Supports A Burgundy
F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Hold
A Paris Supports A Burgundy
A Spain - Gascony

Germany:
F Denmark - North Sea (*Bounce*)
A Kiel Supports A Holland - Ruhr (*Void*)
A Munich - Berlin (*Disbanded*) Munich now occupied by Italian player
A Ruhr - Holland (*Fails*)

Italy:
F Eastern Mediterranean Convoys A Tunis - Syria (*Void*) F Ionian Sea Convoys A Tunis - Eastern Mediterranean (*Void*) (see note, below)
A Tyrolia - Munich
A Syria, no move received

NOTE: this is a Realpolitik response. I have tried it a few times and there's some nuance I'm missing to getting a leapfrog convoy to work in RealPolitik. I've emailed the developer about it, but in the meantime, there's nothing that would cut this move, I *know* it is legal to do it, and have seen it a few dozen times. So I manually moved A Tunis - Syria.

Russia:
F Gulf of Bothnia - Baltic Sea
F Rumania Supports F Black Sea - Rumania (*Fails*)
F Sevastopol - Black Sea (*Fails*)
A Silesia - Berlin (*Bounce*)
F Sweden - Denmark (*Fails*)
A Warsaw - Prussia

Turkey:
F Aegean Sea - Greece (*Fails*)
F Black Sea Supports A Constantinople - Bulgaria (*Cut*)
A Constantinople - Bulgaria (*Fails*)

NEWS, such as it is!

"In a stunning development, it is our sad duty to report that the Tsar has suffered a catastrophic stroke and is under the care of a team of doctors.The brain hemorrhage was brought on by reports out of Siberia. A team of cossacks were repulsed in their attempt to seize the capital of Iranistan. The reason for this disaster was the total failure of our supply services. The troops quickly ran out of food and had to forage.Cut off from their normal diet of prunes and bran, their ranks were swept by waves of constipation. Unable to maneuver, the army suffered an ignominious rout. Weare gratified to report that the leader of the force, Ivan Trowinchit, redeemedhimself in the traditional cossack fashion by throwing himself onto a large boulderas often as necessary. Oh, and by the way, we are now at war with Germany."

Tsar AlexievI

News from the Vatican -

The Pope has called for a new Crusade! At his recommendation, the Catholic armies of Italy have occupied the HolyLand, and are working on bringing the remains of the Holy Roman Empire back into the loving arms of the Church.

Lepanto (TM) - Giving the Italian something to do in 1902!

News from Berlin

No, I am not, and I repeat, it is NOT due to my position on the board...it is that I feel that some folks are forgetting that the name of the game is DIPLOMACY. That requires talking...to everyone...especially in this electronic media format. This game becomes a boring f*cking Euro without the talk...and rather pointless, an exercise in ludo-masturbation. I send out emails to everyone each time...would it hurt to at least respond, even if it is to say 'f*ck off'? At least then I'd figure it was received, and at least acknowledged. That's proper behavior for this game. Dead silence shows a lack of imagination, at the very least.

Sure, I know that some folks are more talkative than others...but I also know that, for damn near the whole game, only three people regularly correspond with me. I don't expect long diatribes, hell, just 'I hear you' would be enough...but in the electronic form of this game, you don't have anything to go on but silence. I can play this shit solitaire anytime I want...I would have thought that people got into this game for a bit of diplomatic banter & fun, but I guess I was wrong.

Mr. Nizz, I told you I was getting fed up with this, and I figure it's better to bring it out in the open rather than sit here seething. So, I'm sure this may make folks want to take me out, come & get it...I won't go down without a fight, even if it's a whimper...but to see the same pattern surfacing turn after turn...it's not why I play games...where's the 'fun' if there's no 'fun'? Note, I didn't say I had to WIN to have fun (heck, I had Italy last game, was doubly stabbed, and still had a blast! Why? Because people TALKED...) So, yes...I'm calling the silent ones on the carpet, Nizz. Consider it my 'News' for this round if you want.

News Flash, Reuters, Vienna, Imperial Foreign Service Public Affairs branch

Having secured our Western and Northern borders, the Army of the West will now stand down from expanding the Hapsburg Empire. Through marathon negotiations, a pact has been reached with the Italians. A fragile truce with the Russians continues to hold. Per the Ministries of State and War, we have no plans to expand into Germany at this time.

As for the East, we are making a steady progress in our expansion. With the help of the Italians, we plan to join in the Crusade to free the Middle East of the Evil Turks. While we continue to keep an eye on the rapidly expanding Russian.

And what of the British??